c. 1996 Religion News Service

(Dale Hanson Bourke is the author of”Turn Toward the Wind”and publisher of Religion News Service.)

(RNS)-“Never criticize, condemn or complain,”my father advised me regularly during my formative years.

Avoiding the”3Cs”was one of the foundations of a Dale Carnegie class my father once took. He followed the advice loyally, believing it would win friends and influence people.

Sadly, my father’s advice sounds quaint and hopelessly wimpy in a day when influencing people seems to depend on how much and at what volume you criticize, condemn, complain and curse. And winning friends doesn’t even seem to be a factor.

In politics you win friends by making the other guy look bad. Once allies, the Republican presidential contenders are busy pointing fingers at each other and complaining when it comes back at them.

In more mundane avenues of life, we seem to be deteriorating into a bunch of moaners and gripers, looking not for what is good about any situation, but what is an adequate target for our wrath.

And increasingly our systems are set up to reward complainers, especially the ones who howl loudly and rudely.

A recent article in The Los Angeles Times cited allergy sufferers who are having an increasingly difficult time on commercial aircraft now that all major carriers allow cats, dogs and other dander-laden animals to ride in the passenger section.

Despite the health risks defined in the story, no airline is considering changing the policy. Seems they just haven’t had enough complaints.”There are a far greater number of complaints about crying babies than about pets,”said United Airlines spokesman Richard Martin.

When I called Mr. Martin personally, he stood by his statement. So I asked him what constituted a complaint.”When a passenger complains to a flight attendant, is that counted somewhere?”I asked.

Mr. Martin wasn’t sure, but he offered to do some research and get back to me. Then he reflected that flight attendants usually only write up complaints when someone”really makes a big deal of it.” Silly me. I thought those raving passengers I see berating flight attendants were discounted as lunatics. Instead, they are probably the ones having their say about how I spend my time in the air.

This culture of complaint affects not only corporate America, but local business too. The other day I went to a favorite restaurant and ordered my regular soup. The waiter cleared his throat and announced that there was a new menu and that soup was no longer available.”Why not?”I asked.”It was always popular.””We took it off the menu and are waiting to see how many people complain,”he confided.

So, casting my father’s advice to the wind, I walked up to the hostess after my meal and told her that I really missed the bean soup.

She looked at me for a moment and said,”You don’t seem really upset about it. Some people are really irate.””So does that mean my concern won’t be taken into account?”I asked.”Well when people get really upset, then we try to do something,”she said, obviously taking off points for my lack of rudeness.

These kinds of experiences have left me in a quandary about what to teach my own children.”Stand up for yourself,”I heard myself say to my mild-mannered son the other day when he told me a teacher hadn’t listened to his explanation about an assignment.”And if he doesn’t listen, I’ll talk to the principal,”I threatened.

Then I remembered what my father told me one day during my rebellious teen-age years.”Why shouldn’t I complain?”I challenged during an angst-ridden session in which I had a criticism about every adult I knew.”The world stinks.”(Or something to that effect.)

His loving response still echoes in my ears.”Sure, there are lots of things wrong. But you should avoid criticizing and complaining because of what those habits do to you, not so much how they affect others.”Keep complaining and you’ll never run out of evidence that things are wrong. Criticize and you’ll have unlimited material. You’ll also become an unhappy pessimist. It’s your choice.” Even to a frustrated teen-ager, his words had the sound of truth.

My father was never a wimp. He might not have complained, but wherever he went he took the initiative and left people he encountered with a compliment or a word of encouragement. I’m not sure he ever changed any policies, but I do know that he helped countless people feel better about themselves.

We could use a few more people like my father. Maybe if we all tried a little harder to point out what’s right, the world in which we live would not be shaped by those who, in the loudest of voices, criticize, condemn and complain.

MJP END BOURKE