COMMENTARY: Why adultery still grabs our attention and sets our teeth on edge

c. 1997 Religion News Service (Rabbi Rudin is the national interreligious affairs director of the American Jewish Committee). UNDATED _ Which of the Ten Commandments has been making big news recently? Three guesses and the first two don’t count. Television, radio, and newspapers have covered the fall-out from Lt. Kelly Flinn’s adulterous affair at a […]

c. 1997 Religion News Service

(Rabbi Rudin is the national interreligious affairs director of the American Jewish Committee).

UNDATED _ Which of the Ten Commandments has been making big news recently? Three guesses and the first two don’t count.


Television, radio, and newspapers have covered the fall-out from Lt. Kelly Flinn’s adulterous affair at a North Dakota air base with a zeal usually reserved for glitzy high-profile entertainers. And in their zeal, in their concentration on Flinn, it must be said, they _ and the Air Force _ have forgotten that there was a man involved as well.

As a former U.S. Air Force chaplain, I think I know the reason for the intense reporting. While adultery, like death and taxes, is always with us, it is especially prevalent in our military with its remote duty assignments, intimate working conditions, and often rootless, nomadic way of life.

Because Air Force authorities bungled the public relations side of Lt. Flinn’s case, their angry and perhaps justified reaction to her alleged”lying and insubordination”was severely weakened. Lt. Flinn didn’t get her honorable discharge and the Air Force didn’t get its court-martial trial _ clearly a lose-lose case for everyone.

But why does adultery always grab our attention and set our teeth on edge? And why is adultery one of the Top Ten Sins, right up there with the other biggies like idolatry, murder, jealousy, and stealing?

I’ll be thinking of this during the two-day Shavuot holiday that begins on the evening of June 10. Shavuot, the Hebrew word for weeks, commemorates the majestic moment when God and the Jewish people entered into an eternal covenant at Mt. Sinai, seven weeks after the Passover Exodus from Egypt. As part of that contract, Jews were commanded to follow the precepts of the Torah, particularly the Ten Commandments described in the biblical book of Exodus.

For centuries, rabbinic minds have grappled with both the prevention and the consequences of adultery. Jewish teachings are explicit in warning about the dangers of having sexual intercourse with another person’s spouse. But the rabbis who shaped this 2,000-year-old religious tradition were neither sexual prudes nor orgy-loving lechers. Instead, they were remarkable realists keenly aware of human behavior; spiritual leaders who profoundly understood that a breach of trust in marriage is an assault upon the integrity of an entire community.

Pithy, earthy rabbinic sayings graphically convey the enormous dangers in breaking trust with one’s spouse, children, and parents. Try these three:

_”Do not cook in a pot which your neighbor uses.” _”A person should not drink out of one goblet while thinking of another.” _”When two married people commit adultery, there are four yearnings, really four people, not two in the bed.” But the rabbis, using the Ten Commandments as a divine source, went further than condemning the specific act of adultery. They were also profoundly aware that people are complex bundles of mental thoughts as well as physical actions.


The rabbis really made it tough for most of us when they warned:”People who commit adultery merely with their eyes are also called adulterers. … And if a husband and wife are engaged in intercourse, but the heart and mind of one spouse is with another person, no act of adultery is greater than this.” The extraordinary condemnation of both physical and mental adultery represents a great concern of the ancient rabbis. They were conscious of the evil depravity and outright dissipation that was so much a part of ancient Rome and Greece, and they sought to prevent that from happening to their spiritual flock. Because adultery always involves more than two people, the rabbis did all they could to prevent disgrace, shame, and humiliation from infecting the community.

Modern critics have criticized these rabbinic teachings, calling them rigid, repressive, counter to human behavior, and even vindictive. Perhaps. But American society _ raised on sexual revolutions, open marriages, and wide-spread egomania _ has begun to re-examine these assumptions.

Because of the fierce emotions attached to adultery, the rabbis would have understood Lt. Flinn’s public cry from the heart:”… (my adultery) is the cause of my relentless tears, a punishment I will live with the rest of my life … a part of me has died …” But the rabbis would also be sympathetic to the 26-year-old B-52 pilot because they understood that the”gates of forgiveness are always open to the truly repentant person.” And if I were the lieutenant’s military chaplain, I would add one thing more:”Be strong and of good courage. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy does come in the morning.” END RUDIN

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