COMMENTARY: Is anyone listening to our teens?

c. 1998 Religion News Service (Dale Hanson Bourke is publisher of RNS and the mother of two sons.) UNDATED _ You’d think someone would hear the cry for help behind a nickname like”Satan.” In retrospect, the signs of trouble were all there. But somehow no one heard or heeded the warnings. That is until one […]

c. 1998 Religion News Service

(Dale Hanson Bourke is publisher of RNS and the mother of two sons.)

UNDATED _ You’d think someone would hear the cry for help behind a nickname like”Satan.” In retrospect, the signs of trouble were all there. But somehow no one heard or heeded the warnings. That is until one man was dead, a school was traumatized and one 14-year-old boy is finally being heard.


Now every whisper, every thought will be analyzed. He will be surrounded by psychiatrists and lawyers. His childhood will be dissected and any trauma carefully documented. At last, he will be known.

But what about the other teenagers struggling in our society. Is anyone listening to them?

Our own community faced this question when a boy from a nearby town committed suicide after his team lost a game. Again, there had been signs of trouble, whispers for help. But instead of lashing out at others, he simply took his own life, ending the pain forever.

As I talked to my own teenage son about the tragedy I asked him to tell me or someone else if a friend ever talked about dying or wanting to end his life. I wanted to know if he had friends who felt hopeless.

My son acknowledged some of his friends felt that way.

As we talked further it became clear I was a fortunate parent. Many kids don’t talk to their moms or dads at all. They have no place to go when adult- sized fears invade their teenage worlds.

I asked if some of the kids talked to teachers or coaches.”SometimesâÂ?¦.”my son said without conviction.

I remembered a conversation I had last year with a teacher who told me how much things had changed over time.”You have to be careful to not seem too interested in a child because of all the allegations of improper relationships,”he said.”And last time I called a parent because I saw some troubling signs I was threatened with a lawsuit for slander.” I could see why teachers might hold back and why kids would not feel free to talk.

My own son has a support group at church with a group of guys who have a regular Bible study. And his youth director is in his early twenties _ young enough to be hip, but old enough to be wise. When my son seems troubled and uncomfortable talking to me about a situation I can always say,”Why don’t you call Dave?” But many kids aren’t actively involved in a church or synagogue and don’t have a place to take their concerns. Finding a young, caring role model is difficult.


And the fact is, most of us parents just don’t take the time to be available to our teens.

The conversations that once happened spontaneously seem to disappear during adolescence. Innocent questions are viewed as prying; talk is often one way.

Some days when I pick my sons up at school, my younger boy is ebullient while my teenager barely mumbles. Other days my teenager bursts into the car with news. Some nights I stick my head in to say”good night”and feel I should apologize for the intrusion. Other times I am rewarded with a hug and”I love you.” There’s no predicting when the moments will come. Listening to teens is like playing full time detective.

And talking to teens is often frustratingly confusing. A passing comment will be taken to heart while an important warning will go unheard. Parents of teenagers share a general sense of incompetence that transcends anything experienced during previous years.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons we pull back. We see these tall people and think they can take care of themselves. We feel insulted and rejected by them at times and take it personally.

Most of us know less about parenting teens than we did about diapering babies. We think we should have it down by now, but we don’t. And we let our own insecurities get in the way of the job we still have to do.


The growing problems of teens in our society need to be taken seriously. We shouldn’t just pay attention to the ones that lash out or mourn those that end their lives. We need to find ways to reach teens who just suffer in silence, hoping someone will listen and take the time to know them.

DEA END RNS

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