c. 1998 Religion News Service

(Dale Hanson Bourke is publisher of Religion News Service.)

UNDATED _ The following transcript of tape recordings was leaked by an unnamed angel close to the Special Prosecutor’s office. We cannot confirm its authenticity.

God: You’re still ticked off about Job, aren’t you?

Satan: Nah. I got over him centuries ago. But I’m going to win the next one.

God: Oh, give it up. You still think you can get John Paul? Or have you been having delusions about Billy Graham again?

Satan: Nope. Those guys are hopeless. But I’ve got my eyes on another Bill.

God: You can’t mean …

Satan: Yes. I’m taking him down big time.

God: No way. He promised me that if I got him out of that Gennifer Flowers fiasco he would never even look at another woman. He promised.

Satan: Well maybe he’s getting forgetful.

God: Not a chance. No one in the world has been more blessed than Bill. I gave him a great brain. Helped him get the best education. Found him a brilliant wife. He’s got a great kid, the job he always wanted and approval ratings higher than mine. He’s too smart for you, Satan. Why would he trade all that for some bimbo?

Satan: Well, maybe she’s not going to be a bimbo.

God: No blondes. Absolutely no blondes.

Satan: No natural blondes.

God: Don’t start with me. No blondes, real or fake.

Satan: Fine. I don’t need blondes. I can work with a brunette.

God: And no one brainier than Hillary.

Satan: No problem.

God: Look, you’ve probably forgotten that Ken Starr is watching him more closely than I am. There’s nothing he’d like better than to catch Bill fooling around. Bill would never be that dumb. Let’s call this whole thing off. I don’t want to see you humiliated again.

Satan: Remember, I get extra points for stupid sins.

God: Fine. It’s not going to be a problem. I tell you, he’s learned his lesson. He’s the luckiest guy in the world. This guy’s picture should be next to the definition of grace. He knows what it means to be forgiven. I tell you, he has everything he ever prayed for. All he wants now is to finish off his term and write his memoirs. He’s in the home stretch. No one blows it at this point.

Satan: We’ll see …

One year later.

God: OK, you win.

Satan: Don’t forget the extra points for a stupid sin.

God: You’re right. It was one of the stupidest I’ve ever seen. Did he really think poor Monica could keep this to herself? She tried. She really did. But after not going to the prom even I can’t blame her for wanting to brag a little about the commander in chief.

Satan: I played it fair. No blondes. No bimbos. No Ph.D.s.

God: I know. You slipped her in right under everyone’s nose. Even Ken Starr found out by chance. Or did you help with that?

Satan: Maybe just a little. You never said I had to keep it a secret.

God: I just don’t understand. I gave him one of the best brains I’ve ever created …

Satan: Maybe that free will thing was a mistake. Obviously humans can’t handle freedom. I told you after Eve that you should reconsider.

God: No. Humans must have the right to choose. I’m always there to help them, but they have to ask. I guess Bill thought he could handle this one on his own.

Satan: Yeah. I love it when they’re riding high. You know, I gave him a little help with the stock market. I was having so much fun I really got carried away. But no one seemed to notice.

God: You did that? I was getting a few thanks but not enough to take it seriously.

Satan: Sure. When those humans get fat and happy they’re putty in my hands.

God: Maybe we’re overdue for a recession …

Satan: No, not that. I hate it when they’re suffering. All that praying and soul-searching makes me sick.

God: Well, there’s not much I can do for Bill now. But I think it’s time to nudge Alan. Make him a little nervous about the economy, start to bring that market down. I can’t stand to see all these flabby souls.

Satan: Oh, no. Something tells me I’m going to lose the next round … Better call my broker before it’s too late.

DEA END BOURKE