c. 1999 Religion News Service

NEW YORK _ Custom-fitted silk and satin white dress with matching shoes, $600. Lace veil and faux-fur cape, $150. Pink and white rose bouquet, $50. Photographer, $250. Limousine, $300. Post-ceremony celebration, $3,000.

Sound like the tick list for a modest wedding? Guess again.

These are the kinds of prices many Roman Catholic parents are willing to pay to mark in once-in-a-lifetime fashion the first Communions of their 7- and 8-year-olds.

Parents today drop such exorbitant sums on first Communion accessories and celebrations _ anywhere from $1,000 to $4,000 and beyond _ that many now routinely refer to this first-time receiving of the sacrament as a”mini-wedding.””It’s like she’s getting married. It’s out of hand,”said Marie Scotti, who bought her daughter a $550 first Communion dress and plans to spend another $3,500 on a party for 60 guests.

Some clerics are appalled by the wedding analogy. “One of my greatest pet peeves is the way people celebrate first Communions,”said the Rev. Joseph S. Mostardi, pastor of Our Lady of Good Counsel. “The Eucharist, being the center of our faith, is a sacrament that needs our undivided spiritual attention,”he said.”It doesn’t need the secular attention parents are giving it through gowns and parties.””Some first Communions are bigger (than weddings),”lamented Sister Catherine Shanahan, director of religious education at Holy Rosary Church.”What message are we giving our children? That’s what worries me.” Staten Island, the city’s well-heeled bedroom-community borough, could be ground zero for the trend toward unbridled spending on Communion clothing and cotillions.

But to Mostardi it’s a strong indication that an increasing number of Catholic parents mistakenly view first Communion as a unique occurrence rather than the beginning of an ongoing spiritual discipline.”We try to instill in the parents that this is not a wedding; this is not a once-in-a-lifetime event,”said the Augustinian priest.”We tell them, ‘Don’t even do it if you don’t intend to bring your child back next week for their second Communion, and their third, and their 40th.'” Other clergy are not so torn.

Monsignor Jeffrey P. Conway of Our Lady Star of the Sea believes lavish spending on first Communion clothing and parties is OK, if the spiritual significance of the sacrament is stressed. “As long as the families and children realize that the most important element of the first Communion is the receiving of Jesus for the first time, and as long as that is kept in the primary place, I don’t have any objections,”he said.

The Eucharist, or Holy Communion, is one of seven sacraments in the Roman Catholic Church and is the central act of worship during Mass, in which bread and wine are consecrated and consumed in remembrance of Jesus’ death.

Because Catholics believe Jesus is physically present in the Eucharist, first Communion is a special, joyful event in which the faithful enter more fully into the life of the church and become one with him.

However, unlike the sacraments of baptism, confirmation and matrimony, taking the Eucharist, which is offered at every Mass, is meant to be a regular religious practice.

But because many first Communions here are celebrated with ever-increasing extravagance, it’s hard for anyone to resist the nuptials comparison. “They are mini-weddings,”insisted Vicky Chirco, owner of Crown Elegance, a bridal boutique that also sells customized first Communion veils and tiaras.”Mothers spend $800 for a dress, $200 for a crystal crown … It’s crazy, right?””Parents go all out,”agreed Bob Michaels, manager of Adam’s Limousine Service. Last spring, Adam’s rented luxury vehicles to 42 families to cart first Communion youngsters to churches and on to elaborate parties at hourly rates beginning at $40, he said. “We’ve had reservations a year ahead of time,”echoed Nora DiToro of Arden Studios, whose photographers are booked solid through June for Holy Communion jobs in which parents shell out from $100 to $500 for photos and frames. “Unfortunately, (excessive spending has) overshadowed the actual beauty of the children receiving the sacrament,”said Bernadette Zawisny, who plans to spend yet another $5,000 as her fourth child makes her first Communion.”This time I’m thinking it’s ridiculous.” Many parents who say they are uncomfortable spending so much money on children so young do it anyway simply because everyone else does. “It’s hard competing,”said Scotti.”But you want your daughter to look as nice as the other girls and you want your daughter to feel special _ even if you have to beg, borrow or steal to do it.””The dress is important because I want her to be pretty and look as good as the other girls,”Maureen Rachlin said of the $290 Communion dress she bought her daughter.

Girls tend to be more affected than boys by the trend toward the elaborate, observed Sister Catherine. “It’s the dresses. How different can a suit be?”she said.”I’ve even had girls come (to church) with makeup on and I’ve had to send them back to their parents”to take it off.”They look like they’re 32 and they’re only 7.” To help turn attention back to the spiritual importance of the sacrament, children at Our Lady of Good Counsel make their first Communions during regular Sunday liturgies in April and May, rather than at specially scheduled Saturday Masses, as in many parishes.

In addition, Communion candidates _ no more than 12 at a time _ are required to sit with their families during the Mass to stress that the receiving of the sacrament is a”family-oriented event”that should become an ongoing spiritual practice, Mostardi said.

A parish practice turned upside down, perhaps. But one the church hierarchy is reluctant to tackle _ at least for now.”That’s a pastoral decision that a pastor would make based on what is going on in his parish,”spokesman Joseph Zwilling said when asked if the Archdiocese of New York has ever issued guidelines on appropriate first Communion practices.”We don’t micro-manage to that degree.” But some parishes have attempted to combat what critics say is the growing secularization of first Communion ceremonies by instituting guidelines: Some ban floor-length gowns and veils, others forbid hand-held articles, like bouquets and Bibles.

But the rules are often met with resistance.

Once, when Holy Rosary suggested parents choose one of three parish-approved veils for their little girls to wear during first Communion, many parents balked. To keep peace, the parish agreed to permit any veil a parent deems appropriate. “The sacraments are supposed to unite us,”said Sister Catherine.”It’s very hard to know what to do.” (BEGIN OPTIONAL TRIM)”We happen to live in a very affluent society,”said the Rev. Richard John Neuhaus, a Roman Catholic priest who heads Religion in Public Life, a Manhattan-based think tank. “If you have a first Communion and you invite just your family, say 25 or 30 people, it will cost you maybe $1,500 to $2,000. Is that extravagant? Is that objectionable? So what if another family gets a limo to drive people around? Where are you going to draw the line?” Before passing quick judgments, Neuhaus said, it’s important to examine every aspect of a family’s spending habits. “If the people who are spending $10,000 on first Communions are also leading responsible lives and are generous toward others,”he said,”we should have a fairly liberal attitude about how they choose to celebrate big occasions.” (END OPTIONAL TRIM)

Still, the”distractions”and”unnecessary paraphernalia”associated with many modern Holy Communions by their nature eclipse the spiritual significance of the event, Mostardi contends. “Sometimes the children are so emotionally unprepared for what’s about to take place because they are so concerned about how they look, what they’re wearing, the big party and the gifts they are going to get,”he said.”There’s something wrong with that system. Everything has been flip-flopped.” DEA END PAQUETTE