c. 2005 Religion News Service
(UNDATED) Perhaps the dumbest sentiment ever uttered in a movie was in the 1970 hit “Love Story,” when actress Ali McGraw immortalized the phrase “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
At the time, I thought this sentiment was immensely profound. (In my defense, I was only 10 years old at the time.) Now I am in my mid-40s and know better: Love means always being ready to say you’re sorry.
Naturally, if you are bumbling so often in your relationships that you need to apologize on a daily basis, you may need a prescription for a couple of Dr. Phil’s self-help books.
But even the best among us sometimes speak or act before we think, hurt those we love, and fail to live up to our own potential _ spiritual, intellectual and emotional. If we can own up to these mistakes, however, we can deepen the relationships most important to us.
Many years ago, when one of my sons was 8 years old, he misbehaved badly in class, and the teacher, Mr. Simon, called to tell me. I could have sat my son down and chastised him for his behavior, and grounded him for a few days. Instead, I took him to Mr. Simon’s house so he could apologize in person. My son was teary with shame and acute discomfort, but he eventually managed an apology, which Mr. Simon accepted. This was painful for my son, but I wanted him to face, literally, the wrong he had done. It worked. My son never again behaved similarly toward any other teacher.
Ironically, we often find it easier to apologize to strangers than to those close to us. It’s easy to say, “Sorry! Didn’t mean to bang your shopping cart!” It’s much tougher to tell a spouse or child, “I’m sorry I haven’t been listening to your problems lately,” or “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Doing so forces us to confront our own inadequacies.
According to Jewish thought, there’s no better time for self-reflection than the 10-day period between Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur, when God is more available to us than ever, waiting for us (yes, us!) to come closer to him.
God cannot absolve us for wrongs that we have committed against others, which is why we are commanded to ask forgiveness directly from anyone we may have wronged. But God wants to forgive us for mistakes and transgressions we have committed against him, against Jewish values and even against ourselves. Asking for forgiveness and guidance makes us vulnerable, but it also opens the door to a deeper relationship with the transcendent.
On Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, we seem to apologize all day long, confessing to a whole litany of sins that may strike us as remote and irrelevant. Have we really stolen, acted violently, been immoral? Unfortunately, the word “sin” is a poor translation of the Hebrew words used in the liturgy to designate transgressions. The Hebrew word “chet” means that we have “missed the mark,” “avon” means “desire” and “pesha” means “rebellion.” All too often, I know that I have indeed missed the mark, been rebellious and indulged my desires.
We also recite the confessional in the plural, so even if we personally never, even once, stole (stealing can refer to money or time, or to misleading others), someone else in the Jewish community may have. Similarly, all the transgressions have deeper meanings: “Afflicting others” can mean speaking too harshly, thereby diminishing someone else’s sense of self. “Acting violently” can mean acting in a way where the ends justify the means.
During this High Holiday season, many Jews try to take on a new mitzvah or try to overcome a weakness. It’s best not to be overly ambitious, however. If we have an anger problem, we can start by saying, “I’ll try to lose my temper one less time each day.” Small, consistent steps eventually lead to big changes. As one acclaimed Torah teacher has written, “As long as we deny where we stand today, we will find that we are still there tomorrow.”
Mature relationships sometimes require that we say we are sorry. But investing in that personal honesty and integrity is also an investment in deeper, more enriching relationships with family, friends and God. Oh yes, you’ll have a more honest relationship with yourself, too.
(Judy Gruen is a feature writer and humorist. Read her “Off My Noodle” columns on http://www.judygruen.com.)
KRE/PH END GRUEN
Editors: To find a photo of this columnist, go to the RNS Web site at https://religionnews.com. On the lower right, click on “photos,” then search by last name. Also note that Rosh Hashana begins at sundown Oct. 3; Yom Kippur begins at sundown Oct. 12.
