In Case You Become Pontiff, a Clever Guide to the Vatican

c. 2005 Religion News Service (UNDATED) Obviously, the position has been filled. But you still might want to file away a copy of “How to Be Pope” (Chronicle Books, $10.95, 127 pages) for future reference. Piers Marchant’s collection of truly useful tips, subtitled “What to Do and Where to Go Once You’re in the Vatican,” […]

c. 2005 Religion News Service

(UNDATED) Obviously, the position has been filled. But you still might want to file away a copy of “How to Be Pope” (Chronicle Books, $10.95, 127 pages) for future reference.

Piers Marchant’s collection of truly useful tips, subtitled “What to Do and Where to Go Once You’re in the Vatican,” is a laugh and a half, a self-help guide whose humor lies in its straightforward and detail-driven approach.


Benedict XVI has been the leader of the Roman Catholic Church for more than eight months now. So for most readers, the possibility of being elected pope is purely hypothetical. But who can resist the imaginary trip to Rome? Read on for a sample of news you could use if you ever woke up and found yourself bishop of Rome, vicar of Christ and pontifex maximus.

Do you have to change your name? No, but most popes have done so since 533 when Mercurius didn’t want to be mistaken for the pagan messenger Mercury.

Where do you report for work? Marchant includes a floor plan of Vatican City, pointing out the Apostolic Library, Apostolic Palace and the apostolic department store.

What if you don’t like your room? Not to worry. Plug into the great papal tradition of remodeling. See Marchant’s list of monumental makeovers of the papal apartment.

What do you wear to work? Depends on your day. A diagram on the full-dress uniform takes you from pointy tip of the miter to the always fashionable toes of your red shoes. White papal parkas and white sneakers or boots are available when the weather, or your activities, demand more of you.

Who will do your laundry? You’ll be relieved to know that, early in your term, you will appoint five nuns who will do your wash, clean your apartment, help with your correspondence and rustle you up whatever you’d like to eat.

What do you do all day? Roll out of bed at 5:30 a.m., say Mass, breakfast at 8, work through lunch to 2 p.m., say goodbye to your staff (most of whom will enjoy a siesta from 2 to 4, while you keep working), dinner at 6 p.m. and lights out by 11.


How do you write an encyclical? Very carefully. These official letters are meant to be public. “They expound on your particular philosophies,” Marchant writes.

What language will you speak? How many do you know? John Paul II was fluent in at least seven, but Latin is the lingua franca of Vatican City. Even the automated teller machines use Latin as their principal language. Marchant includes a list of essential Latin words.

Who do you work with? A handy organizational chart outlines who works for whom and how they relate to you. A diagram will help you tell your clergy apart by their uniforms. Remember, cardinals _ whether they’re birds or princes of the church _ are red.

Where is the nearest drugstore? Tucked within the Vatican walls is a pharmacy that fills about 6,000 prescriptions per month. But it doesn’t carry magazines or batteries.

Can your mother be a saint? Maybe. Just remember, Marchant says, “The prestige and credibility of the church is at stake. On any day, as many as 15,000 candidates may be standing in line, but you get to decide who proceeds directly to veneration, beatification and canonization.

Who else lives in Vatican City? About 1,100 residents live there full time and about 95 percent are men. There is, Marchant observes, no birth rate.


What else do you need to know? Much, much more. See the book for tips on the papal wave (more up and down than side to side), explanations of exorcism and excommunication (and try not to confuse them), papal travel (no, you don’t have to stand in line at customs) and your medical benefits (no deductible and no out-of-pocket expense).

Anything else? No, you’re set. And, as they say of some papal documents, Urbi et orbi, “To the city and the world!”

MO RB END HAUGHT

(Nancy Haught is a staff writer for The Oregonian of Portland, Ore.)

Editors: To obtain a photo of the book’s jacket cover, go to the RNS Web site at https://religionnews.com. On the lower right, click on “photos,” then search by subject or slug.

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