c. 2006 Religion News Service

(UNDATED) Last Saturday I presided at a wedding in Duke University’s majestic chapel.

After a year of planning, notes and lists, and countless sessions with the $40 billion wedding industry, a handsome couple stood before 150 guests and “in the presence of God” to join their lives in a union that they hope _ as all couples hope _ no one, not even the difficulties of life and frailties of self, will “put asunder.”

The wedding itself was tasteful and lovely. In the two hours that Duke Chapel allotted them _ the only harder reservation to make around here is men’s basketball tickets _ this beaming couple sailed merrily through the various elements of modern weddings, from a nervous father remembering his one line, to a ring-bearer remembering where to stand, to a ceremonial kiss in the sight of everyone who matters to them.

As it happened, this couple are neighbors, so I will have the unique experience of seeing them after their wedding day. I will see them execute at least some of the work that goes into a marriage, such as sharing duties, making room for families, and coordinating schedules. I hope that much will go on that I don’t see, such as forgiveness, mercy, kindness and patience.

As a 30-year veteran of holy matrimony myself, I know that perfect weddings don’t make healthy marriages. No matter how much or how little we spend on the big day, it is work, sacrifice, compromise and faith that nurture marriages. Our nation’s 50 percent divorce rate doesn’t reflect lack of planning or spending on wedding day, but a painful failure to navigate the shoals that open soon after.

Will this couple have what it takes? That’s the great unknown, isn’t it? Statistically, they are ahead: not too close to age 20, from homes with long-term marriages, and no history of domestic violence.

But statistics probably lie as often as they suggest reality. Even the most unlikely unions can prosper, and even the most promising can fail. Despite society’s tendency to legislate marriage, no law or church rules can guarantee success or prevent breakdown. It all comes down to the work a couple is willing to do: orienting their will for the good of the other, being trustworthy, listening first, loving first, accepting accountability first, and meeting in the middle.

My hope for them is that, when the time seems right, they will ground their marriage in a faith community. Not because faithful people know the secret to avoiding divorce _ our rate is the same as society’s _ but because they know where to turn for help, namely, to the God who formed and blessed this union, to the God whose ultimate word isn’t victory or being right, but love and mercy.

My assignment was to keep the service brief, to allow time for photographs. Wedding day wasn’t the time to say everything that needed to be said. It was a time to honor intent and dreams. I wanted them to look at each other and to see, in that small and yet daunting space between them, a “new creation” that God is building.

That’s enough for one day. If they can set aside the hoopla and simply see God at work in creating new life, then that will be a feast for many days to come.

KRE/JL END EHRICH

(Tom Ehrich is a writer, consultant and leader of workshops. His book, “Just Wondering, Jesus: 100 Questions People Want to Ask,” was published by Morehouse Publishing. An Episcopal priest, he lives in Durham, N.C. His Web site is http://www.onajourney.org.)

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