c. 2007 Religion News Service
CLEVELAND _ Robert Walling and his bride, Arlene, knew they loved each other.
What they were less aware of in 1989 as both entered a second marriage were the consequences of bringing together seven children, six of them teenagers.
“Within weeks, everybody hated everybody,” recalled Robert Walling, a deacon at Holy Spirit Catholic Church in Avon Lake.
Now, 18 years later, the Wallings are in the “reward” stage, with pictures of 12 grandchildren gracing the walls of their home. The “steps” are as close, or closer, to one another as they are to their brothers and sisters by blood, the couple said.
Though they struggled on their own, the Wallings today counsel couples about the ties that can bind and hinder married couples. Unlike young newlyweds, remarried couples often face additional challenges from blending families to deciding what to do with multiple houses or the unequal financial resources older partners bring to marriages.
Now, marriage preparation courses geared toward young couples contemplating their first weddings are being reworked to reflect the different needs of the growing number of couples entering second marriages.
Faced with tremendous increases in divorce and remarriage, more and more congregations are dumping the one-size-fits-all approach to premarital counseling.
In the Cleveland Catholic Diocese, for example, 10 parishes are experimenting with Prepare/Enrich, a marriage preparation program that includes couples planning second marriages. The diocese also offers workshops for engaged couples in which at least one partner has been previously married.
The Rev. Robert Armstrong of Bay Presbyterian Church in Bay Village said many people considering second marriages approach a religious community with ambivalence. They are both ashamed and disappointed their first marriages did not work out, but they also have hope for their new unions.
Church leaders need to develop individual relationships with couples to nurture that sense of hope and help them overcome _ rather than repeat _ the missteps of earlier attempts at wedded bliss, Armstrong and others said.
“This is an opportunity for us to express to them the redemptive power of God,” Armstrong said. “We are going to rely on God’s grace to make this possible.”
Gone are the days when divorce was rare and social pressures led many spouses to stay even in abusive marriages. As many as one in two marriages ends in divorce, and three-quarters of divorced individuals remarry.
Religious groups have not always kept pace with marriage trends, despite the greater need for premarital counseling since subsequent marriages are more likely to fail.
While research is limited, a majority of couples choose religious settings for their first marriages, while 10 percent to 20 percent choose religious ceremonies for subsequent marriages, said David Olson, professor emeritus of family social science at the University of Minnesota and the founder of the Prepare/Enrich program.
Those numbers are not good when one considers that almost half of the 2 million marriages in the United States each year involve at least one person who has been married before, Olson said.
The reasons people do not seek the blessing _ and premarital counseling _ offered by religious communities are numerous.
For one, divorce still carries a stigma, and some people looking to tie the knot again are apprehensive about seeking approval from congregations that uphold the idea that marriage is a lifelong union before God between a man and a woman.
“They don’t feel as welcome. They feel shamed,” Olson said. “Maybe they don’t feel comfortable coming back.”
Then, some clergy are less receptive to individuals who are remarrying for reasons other than the death of the first spouse. Also, many couples entering a second or third marriage say they do not need premarital counseling because they have done it before and know what marriage is about.
When they do seek counseling, many congregations are not prepared.
“In general, we still don’t do a very good job of differentiating between first-time marriages and remarriages,” said Bill Boomer, director of the diocesan Department for Marriage and Family Ministry.
Yet the issues faced by couples entering second marriages can be radically different from those faced by young people in first unions. The most challenging can be the blending of children from previous marriages.
Children may fear appearing disloyal to the other parent who is not part of the new union, or be concerned that the marriage will not last. The bonding process between children and a new parent can take from four to seven years, the Wallings said.
What should congregations do?
First, churches should warmly welcome all who seek to be married before God, some church counselors say. “The fact that they are even coming to you is a good sign,” Boomer said.
Then, congregations should tailor their premarital counseling to a couple’s needs.
At some churches, couples who have remarried counsel those seeking to do the same. In addition to working with a deacon or a priest, a couple seeking to marry at Holy Spirit would meet several times with a lay couple.
Olson said the good news is that religious communities are responding to the changing marital trends. Ten years ago, 30,000 churches and counseling centers around the country used Prepare/Enrich. Today, it is in 60,000 locations.
Looking back at their early struggles, the Wallings said it would have been a great help to know it is normal to have times when the children won’t speak to their new siblings or their new parent.
They encourage couples committed to second marriages to hang in there. A strong marriage and loving family can be achieved, the Wallings said. It’s just not easy.
“It took a lot of work,” Arlene Walling said.
“And a lot of prayer,” her husband added, “and a lot of faith.”
(David Briggs writes for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland.)
KRE/PH END BRIGGS
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