c. 2007 Religion News Service
(UNDATED) The October Madness of Nobel Prize season is finally over.
These prizes have been a big deal since Alfred Nobel thought them up in 1901. They’re an especially big deal to the lucky winners, who collect 10 million Swedish Kroner apiece _ easily enough to buy several Volvos plus all you can eat of those Swedish fish gummy candy.
But we’re not here to prattle about things like peace and literature; we’re here to get the lowdown on spiritual matters.
On, then, to the first and probably last Noble Prizes, awarded for excellence within the pages of the Bible and named after my house, which sits proudly on Noble Avenue in Decatur, Ala.
(Warning: The vocabulary used in describing these achievements is sometimes obtuse, but that’s just because the nominating committee is like, really, really deep and stuff.)
Let’s have a round of applause for these winners …
_ For physics: To Moses, for his work on a Red Sea case study involving short-term liquid mass displacement compounded by the bifurcation of a naturally occurring aquatic body for the purpose of selective human transportation.
_ For chemistry: To Mary, for her supporting role in instigating advancements in the vinification process leading to the instantaneous, aquiferous-originated production of celebratory potables categorized by experts as superior to prevailing commercial standards.
_ For physiology: To Jehovah, for creation of a surgical procedure involving the harvesting of bone tissue with minor anesthesia and the subsequent non-laboratory development of a female unit of the Adamic species, bypassing embryonic and juvenile stages.
_ For medicine: To Moses (the only double winner in Noble Prize history) for his introductory work in the establishment of alloy-based caduceus therapy, which proved an effective anti-venom against the bites of poisonous serpents and provided foreshadowing of a similar crucifix application with wider, more permanent healing powers.
_ For literature: To the Apostle John, for the “In the beginning was the Word” prologue to his nominative gospel, which distills a logos-based Christology that cuts across and supercedes both preceding wisdom literature and contemporaneous hellenistic philosophy, while utilitizing only the simplest of lexicons.
_ For economics: To Jacob, for advancements in animal husbandry that implement key genetic traits to achieve rates of wealth creation far exceeding surrounding market conditions and robust enough to withstand in-law-centric hostile takeover schemes.
_ For peace: To Jesus, for attempting to implement adherence among his followers to the principle he expressed as “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” This rule uses the simplest words, but has the most profound results when put into practice.
Everyone who even tries to follow those 11 words deserves a Noble Prize of their own. Possibly even a Nobel.
(Doug Mendenhall writes for the Huntsville Times in Huntsville, Ala.)
KRE/RB END MENDENHALL500 words
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