The Church of Scientology wants you to know that certain rumors printed in a certain unauthorized biography of a certain movie star, are totally unfounded.

Biographer Andrew Morton made no attempts to talk to interview the church’s leader, David Miscavige, despite offers from the church, says a press release that landed on my fax machine Tuesday.

Among the falsehoods in the book, the church says, are the following.

1. Tom Cruise is second-in-command in the church.

The movie star is “neither 2nd nor 100th. Mr. Cruise is a Scientology parishioner and holds no official or unofficial position in the Church hierarchy.”

2. Cruise’s movie career is planned and cleared through the church.

Not so, says the church. Don’t blame this one on us.

3. Cruise’s child with Katie Holmes is the reincarnation of Scientology Founder L. Ron Hubbard.

“Never, never, never … The Church not only does not believe any such thing about Mr. and Mrs. Cruise’s child in the present time: They never believed such a thing and, indeed, never even heard of such a bizarre allegation until Morton’s book,” according to the release.

4. The property the church calls Golden Era Productions is a secret desert lair replete with bunkers and war rooms.

Entirely false, says the church. It’s not in the desert; there are no lairs; and media folks from ABC and the Los Angeles Times have toured the facility, so how secret could it be?

5. The Church of Scientology has been banned in England, Australia, France, Germany and Spain.

“The Church is not and has never been banned in any of these countries or any nation anywhere.” (German officials have reportedly looked into banning the church, but no official action has been taken yet.)

The Church says they provided evidence for all their claims to the book’s publisher but were ignored. Tales of how the Church of Scientology treats writers it doesn’t like are legion. I wouldn’t want to be Morton right now.

Now, what about those other rumors?