The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this morning that Dieter F. Uchtdorf, the Second Counselor in the LDS First Presidency, has been translated to heaven.
“He was simply too good for this world,” said a church spokesman about the wildly popular Mormon apostle.
In LDS teachings, a translated being is someone who is taken up to heaven without first enduring the inconvenience of human death. In this new state, Uchtdorf joins several scriptural figures who were translated, including Enoch, Moses, and the Three Nephites.
The church reports that it has reached a special arrangement with the heavenly host whereby Uchtdorf will still be able to address the faithful this weekend at the church’s worldwide General Conference. Technicians are hard at work even now at perfecting the Terrestrial Satellite System that will permit Uchtdorf to appear on the live program despite some reported technical problems.
“His skin is now glowing in the dark,” admitted one videographer who wished to remain anonymous. He had to be taken to the hospital for temporary blindness after witnessing President Uchtdorf’s holy glory through the lens of the camera. “I think it will all be fixed by Saturday, though,” he hastened to add.
At this point it is unclear what impact, if any, President Uchtdorf’s translation will have on the day-to-day running of the LDS Church. Some feel that operations will continue much as they have been.
“Translated beings have a history of returning to earth regularly to help those who need it most,” said a woman from Sandy, Utah. “I mean, look at the Three Nephites. One of them helped me when my car broke down just last month. So I think President Uchtdorf will stick around since we all need him exactly where he is.”