Warning: Satire
Money!
Once upon a time it took chutzpah and perseverance to publicly hate on disenfranchised minority groups. The KKK and neo-Nazis staged marches to intimidate non-whites, gays and Jews, publicly posting flyers and burning crosses along the way. It was hard work, all that bigotry.
Then along came the Internet, offering cheap and easy platforms to spread polarizing vitriol further than even Hitler could have dreamed. With the rise of crowdfunding, you can now make thousands of dollars spewing misinformation and intolerance from the comfort of your own home. Achieve hatemonger gold with these three easy steps:
- Spew intolerance
Say or do something controversial. The best part? It doesn’t even need to make sense!
Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana gets a gold star for this tactic. At the height of the state’s “religious freedom” hubbub this spring, co-owner Crystal O’Connor announced that Memories would refuse to cater to theoretical (i.e. non-existent) gay couples who want their wedding guests to eat pizza. Nonsensical, yes, but it worked! Social media trolls threatened to burn Memories to the ground. Memories closed its doors for eight days, reopening to a packed house after a GoFundMe campaign brought in nearly $850,000 from more than 29,000 pizza lovers/gay wedding haters.
Riling up the liberal media by attacking something they love is crucial. This Nebraska woman is suing ALL OF THE GAYS, and just look at how much media coverage she’s getting. Try peeing on an atheist’s lawn or kidnapping a bunch of puppies.
Creativity is key. Don’t fret too much about actually believing in what you’re advocating. Just play along until that million-dollar check comes in. No one will know the difference.
- Claim persecution
Anyone can spout intolerance, but convincing people that you’re being discriminated against for your discriminatory views takes some skill.
Last December, Florida woman Susan Hemeryck pulled on a “Catholic Warrior” T-shirt and vandalized the Satanic Temple’s display at her state’s Capitol Building. She pled not guilty on misdemeanor charges of criminal mischief because, by her logic, the state was attacking Christians by hosting the display. Prosecutors dropped the case, but Hemeryck spotted an opportunity. Claiming she lost her home and job for taking “a stand against this evil,” Hemeryck has raised more than $3,000 towards her personal living expenses on GoFundMe.
Pamela Geller claims she’s being censored on the regular (sometimes she’s right) and earns more than $400 an hour peddling hate for her American Freedom Defense Initiative.
Sometimes it’s more effective to let others claim persecution on your behalf, but be careful. When a Washington woman was fined $1,000 for refusing to provide flowers for a gay wedding, supporters raised more than $174,000 in her name. Things looked promising for the florist until GoFundMe shut the page down, saying the woman had violated anti-discrimination laws. Be sure to make your persecution claim marginally convincing or you’ll risk losing that prized jackpot.
- Monetize, monetize, monetize
Terry Jones could have cried persecution and made a pretty penny after police thwarted his plan to burn nearly 3,000 Qurans in 2013. Now he sells french fries. What went wrong? Jones failed to properly monetize his intolerance.
Political blogger Pamela Geller, American Freedom Defense Initiative’s Houston-based founder, speaks at the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Contest, which is sponsored by the American Freedom Defense Initiative, in Garland, Texas May 3, 2015. Two gunmen opened fire on Sunday at the art exhibit in Garland, Texas, that was organized by an anti-Islamic group and featured caricatures of the Prophet Mohammad and were themselves shot dead at the scene by police officers, city officials and police said. REUTERS/Mike Stone
Many crowdfunding platforms prohibit hate projects, but some, presumably motivated more by profit than principle, seem happy to turn a blind eye. In 2013, Geller raked in more than $40,000 to finance an Islamophobic advertising campaign on Indiegogo despite the site’s prohibition of “anything promoting hate.” She created fun incentives to motivate backers, including a “Defeat Jihad Bumper sticker” for donors who gave $50 and a “DVD Ground Zero Mosque Film” for those who chipped in $100.
Take Geller’s lead. For $25, promise to shout an obscenity at a minority. Up the ante for $100 by vowing to destroy an object your enemy considers sacred.
Stretch goals are important. For a $10,000 donation, pledge to instigate genocide or join ISIS. Just be prepared to follow through so as not to disappoint your fans.
Until Hatestarter Firestarter launches, you’ll probably need to use platforms that hate hate groups. Try not to get discouraged if one of them suspends your campaign. Just hold your head high and stick to your intolerant principles. You’ll be rich or incarcerated in no time, guaranteed.
