Halloween! What a weird time of year. Kids dress in crazy costumes; adults dress as sexy office supplies; and everyone eats way too much of the Reeses peanut butter cups they bought to hand out to the kids who never came to the door. Some people with lots of time on their hands even put skulls out on their stoops! Not real skulls, mostly. Usually plastic, sometimes with blood.

If you are a Christian, you can have a very different Halloween! Instead of being a sexy stapler mom to a bunch of baby Albert Einsteins, you can dress your kids as “positive cartoon or book characters, famous historical characters, or Bible heroes,” according to the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Did you know the Bible has heroes? Just find them and dress like them. Maybe Bathsheba and Judas, if you are part of a heterosexual couple! They weren’t together together but, you know, that makes it funnier. Randomness is funny!

From http://www.halloweencostumes.com/toddler-nun-costume.html

Your children can be nuns, which are Biblical, at least according to www.HalloweenCostumes.com slash Kids Biblical Costumes. They could also be medieval monks or adorable lambs–a baby lamb!–or King Tut, who was maybe in the Bible but probably not. Other child costumes I would like to see include the two she-bears who mauled the forty-two children who made fun of Elisha for being bald; the forty-two mauled children; and Elisha’s bald pate. Babies are already bald!

Should you give candy to children on Halloween? Probably not, but you should give them essential oils, which cure child migraines and colic. Just pour it right down their baby throats, and if their parents object, probably pour some down the parents’ throats, too. You can also hand out some gospel tracts and these Jesus Harvest Seeds, which are a tri-color candy–yellow, orange, and white, the colors of God–in the shape of a pointed seed and sweetened with honey. “Each individual packet features a scripture.” If that’s not enough, you can buy these Fruit of the Spirit candies, but be warned that they are “manufactured in a facility that processes products containing soy, milk, egg, wheat, and peanut/tree nut ingredients.” Combining soy and peanuts is evil. That’s from Leviticus.