Today comes word that Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump will be addressing the student Convocation at Liberty University in a couple of weeks. Last spring GOP Number 2 Ted Cruz announced his candidacy at Liberty and last fall Bernie Sanders, the Democrats’ Number 2, showed up there to do his thing. Obviously it behooves Hillary Clinton to follow suit.
To be sure, this might not be so easy for her. Twenty years ago the institution’s late founder, Jerry Falwell, was on TV hawking a tape that accused her husband of murder. And last month she criticized Falwell’s son Jerry, Jr., Liberty’s current president, for calling on students to obtain permits to carry firearms on campus. But in politics as in life, you sometimes gotta do what you gotta do, and to help her do it, I herewith submit a draft of her speech.
Thank you so much, President Falwell. God bless Liberty University. (APPLAUSE)
I am thrilled to join you today at the largest Christian university in the world. And I’m guessing that there are a lot more students “packing” here than at any other university in the world, Christian or non-Christian, and that even goes for the University of Bengazi, if you know what I mean. (LAUGHTER)
So can I have a show of hands of the “concealed carriers” in the hall. (SHOW OF HANDS)
Cool. Now I did ask your president to make sure you keep your “heat” in your pants, which I know is sometimes hard to do, especially if you’re a college guy. Or a guy who still acts like one, if you know what I mean. (LAUGHTER)
Cool. I can see that even here at Liberty, you guys are “with it.” And as for you gals, I’ve gotta say that I know where you’re coming from. I was a coed once. Well, actually I wasn’t, because Wellesley College, where I went to college, didn’t admit male students, and still doesn’t. So we gals got to wear the pants on campus, if you know what I mean. And I’m still wearing them. (LAUGHTER) Maybe one day you will too.
Anyway, I’m really glad that they’ve finally allowed a woman into this “Bully Pulpit” — even though over at Thomas Road Baptist Church it’ll be a cold day in Hell before they do. Me, I’m a United Methodist, where we even have women bishops. And my husband, as you probably know, is a Southern Baptist. I know that here in Virginia you all used to frown on such “mixed marriages,” to say nothing about marriages between white folks and black folks. But, you know, even in Virginia views on what’s OK in the marriage department can change, if you know what I mean. (Scattered applause)
Now I understand that Donald Trump was here a couple of weeks ago with his Big Swinging Bible. I want you to know that I’ve carried a Bible for a lot longer than he has. And I think I know a lot more about what’s in it than he does. I sure as heck know a lot more about what’s in it than Bernie Sanders does. Bernie doesn’t even recognize half of it, if you know what I mean. By the way, it was real nice of you to be so polite to him.
So let me talk with you about a little girl growing up in a little town called Park Ridge — as White Anglo-Saxon Protestant a place as you could imagine. And there, in Sunday School, where I memorized more Bible verses than everyone else put together, I fell in love with the Book of Esther. I would go trick-or-treating as Queen Esther every Halloween, and sometimes I would dress up as Queen Esther in my own bedroom and make my little friends be Vashti and Mordechai and King Ahasuerus and Haman (Boo!).
You all know what I’m talking about. In fact, I’m sure there’s no college audience in America that knows better what I’m talking about. So you’ll understand that what I wanted to be when I grew up was the girl who got to marry the King and saved her people. And you know what? That’s just what I did. At least up to the “save her people” part. I mean, I’ve had a pretty good career so far. I’ve been a First Lady and a U.S. Senator and a Secretary of State. But I’ve never been Numero Uno, if you know what I mean.
You, of course, are among the “We the people” I want to save. Not, of course, that I want to be your Lord and Savior. That’s Someone Else’s job. (Laughter)
But I want to make America the kind of place I grew up in — a place where everyone knows my name, where every child has a village that raises him or her to be all that he or she can be. That’s what’s really going to “make America great again.” And I know that that’s what all of us want.
Many of you will be voting soon in the March 1 primary here in “the Old Dominion,” and if I know my Liberty, most of you won’t be asking for a Democratic ballot. But come November, I’m asking you to consider “crossing the aisle.” I mean, whom do you want as your president? A crazy ass Republican or, well, me. Queen Esther. Think about it.
Meanwhile, as I said before, God Bless Liberty University. And God Bless the United States of America. Thank you. (Applause)