(Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical news column and the events it depicts are fictional.)
NASHVILLE (RNS) After more than four decades of marriage, the Alpha and Omega will extricate himself from the bonds of matrimony with the Republican Party.
The presumptive presidential nomination of businessman Donald J. Trump amounts to the final irreconcilable difference and grounds for separation, the divorce papers filed by the angel Gabriel on behalf of Adonai allege. The Lord God Almighty marked an end to the relationship through a dramatic series of thunderbolts seen throughout Middle America.
Religion News Service’s The Literalist has exclusively obtained a copy of the paperwork delivered to a Tennessee courtroom this morning by a messenger from the Holy One, Blessed Be He.
The divorce comes after years of unrealistic expectations and disappointments on both sides of the relationship. In the court document, the Mighty One claims a long history of fraud, with a notable example being the war in Iraq. One former Bush administration official who requested anonymity for fear of being smited reflected, “President Bush was specifically told by Jehovah that ‘shock and awe’ would work in Iraq. … This split was a long time coming.”
“The nomination of Donald Trump is the last straw,” the angel Gabriel stood before the District Court judge and argued. “Yahweh must go his own way.”
News of the filing seemed to have little effect on the presumptive Republican nominee. “Donald J. Trump is no stranger to divorce proceedings,” campaign spokesperson Katrina Pierson told RNS in response to the filing, “and sending this loser Gabriel doesn’t help. Mr. Trump has a horn 10 times the size of his.”
The Literalist spoke briefly to the angel Gabriel as he flew out of the courtroom. “The hyper-masculinity of the GOP really took its toll,” Gabriel remarked under his wings in response to a question about God going blue. “Abba Father might go looking for a more biblically inspired mixed-gender marriage.”
Will Elohim hook up with the party of the same domesticated hoofed mammal Mary rode to Bethlehem? It’s too soon to tell. “We want to give the Ancient of Days appropriate space to grieve,” presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s spokesperson Karen Finney told The Literalist, “but once the pain heals, El-Shaddai should give us a try.”
Culture war veterans stood in mourning on the courthouse steps with their faces shrouded. After a shotgun wedding on the steps of the Supreme Court on Jan. 22, 1973, the relationship between the Eternal Present and eternally enraged evangelicals certainly had its ups and downs over the years. Religious-right leaders planned to gather at the nearby headquarters of the Southern Baptist Convention to grieve and console one another.
(Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes The Literalist, a twice-weekly satirical news column for RNS. His writing on faith and public policy has appeared in Sojourners, The Washington Post, Texas Tribune and other publications. Follow him on Twitter at @guthriegf)