God files for divorce from Republican Party (SATIRE)

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Fictitious filing for divorce by God from Republican party. By Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Fictitious filing for divorce by God from Republican party. By Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

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(Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical news column and the events it depicts are fictional.)

NASHVILLE (RNS) After more than four decades of marriage, the Alpha and Omega will extricate himself from the bonds of matrimony with the Republican Party.

The presumptive presidential nomination of businessman Donald J. Trump amounts to the final irreconcilable difference and grounds for separation, the divorce papers filed by the angel Gabriel on behalf of Adonai allege. The Lord God Almighty marked an end to the relationship through a dramatic series of thunderbolts seen throughout Middle America.

Religion News Service’s The Literalist has exclusively obtained a copy of the paperwork delivered to a Tennessee courtroom this morning by a messenger from the Holy One, Blessed Be He.

Fictitious filing for divorce by God from Republican party. By Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Fictitious filing for divorce by God from Republican Party. Photo illustration by Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

The divorce comes after years of unrealistic expectations and disappointments on both sides of the relationship. In the court document, the Mighty One claims a long history of fraud, with a notable example being the war in Iraq. One former Bush administration official who requested anonymity for fear of being smited reflected, “President Bush was specifically told by Jehovah that ‘shock and awe’ would work in Iraq. … This split was a long time coming.”

“The nomination of Donald Trump is the last straw,” the angel Gabriel stood before the District Court judge and argued. “Yahweh must go his own way.”

News of the filing seemed to have little effect on the presumptive Republican nominee. “Donald J. Trump is no stranger to divorce proceedings,” campaign spokesperson Katrina Pierson told RNS in response to the filing, “and sending this loser Gabriel doesn’t help. Mr. Trump has a horn 10 times the size of his.”

The Literalist spoke briefly to the angel Gabriel as he flew out of the courtroom. “The hyper-masculinity of the GOP really took its toll,” Gabriel remarked under his wings in response to a question about God going blue. “Abba Father might go looking for a more biblically inspired mixed-gender marriage.”

Will Elohim hook up with the party of the same domesticated hoofed mammal Mary rode to Bethlehem? It’s too soon to tell. “We want to give the Ancient of Days appropriate space to grieve,” presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s spokesperson Karen Finney told The Literalist, “but once the pain heals, El-Shaddai should give us a try.”

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Culture war veterans stood in mourning on the courthouse steps with their faces shrouded. After a shotgun wedding on the steps of the Supreme Court on Jan. 22, 1973, the relationship between the Eternal Present and eternally enraged evangelicals certainly had its ups and downs over the years. Religious-right leaders planned to gather at the nearby headquarters of the Southern Baptist Convention to grieve and console one another.

(Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes The Literalist, a twice-weekly satirical news column for RNS. His writing on faith and public policy has appeared in Sojourners, The Washington Post, Texas Tribune and other publications. Follow him on Twitter at @guthriegf)

  • Jack

    Oh—kay……moving right along…..

  • Clayton

    I know that GOP stands for “Gods own Party” so will divorce mean that there will be a name change? I certainly understand that God’s patience could reach a point where divorce has become the only answer.

  • CarrotCakeMan

    No, that stands for “Gay Obsessed Party.”

  • edward

    Good satire!
    More than twenty years ago I became convinced that I could no longer in good conscience consider myself a Christian if I continued to be registered with the party of my parents and grandparents, the Democrats. I prayerfully considered if I could join the Republicans or any other US political party. I could not, so I went down to my election board and registered as non-affiliated. I still do not know of any party that I could in good conscience be a member of.
    I do not feel that the Republicans have ever had that marriage with God that they thought they had.

  • John

    God would have long ago divorced the party that allows for the wholesale slaughter of unborn children and call it “choice”.

  • Jack

    CarrotCake, with all due respect, you sometimes seem equally obsessed.

  • Jack

    I suspect that both parties merit a lot worse than divorce on the part of the Almighty.

  • Scott Shaver

    Political innuendo notwithstanding, this was the most tasteless attempt at humor I’ve ever read in my life. The author is “standing on biblical principles” in his satire against Trump? What does he do with the biblical principle about not taking the name of the Lord in vain?

    As i’ve said before, these purists are very selective in their moral outrage. Phonies.

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  • I read the first 2 sentences in this “Satire” A satire does not give you permission to use the Lord’s name in vain. If you reaction, “Huh? When did I use the Lord’s name in vain, then the church (or maybe you have a lot of work to do (meaning do a little study on the how to respect your creator’s name when speaking about him).

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