Obama considers ultimate outsider for Supreme Court (SATIRE)

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Deborah's Song, Judges 5. Wood engraving circa 1866.

Photo courtesy of Gustave Doré [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Deborah's Song, Judges 5. Wood engraving circa 1866.

The Literalist Guthrie(Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical news column and the events it depicts are fictional.)

TEL AVIV, Israel (RNS) After a tip from on high, The Literalist recently embedded with an FBI team sent to Israel to scour the record of President Obama’s latest rumored pick as Supreme Court nominee.

It is the biblical judge Deborah, who ruled the ancient Israelites for 40 years in the 11th century B.C.

The FBI team had little to go on outside the “official” narrative in the Book of Judges.

“This might be my toughest case yet,” Special Agent-in-Charge Tom Baldwin told us as he disembarked at Ben Gurion International Airport, “but we’re going to start out with her connection to Barak.”

That’s Barak without a “c,” son of Abinoam, who served as a commander with Deborah in their defeat of the Canaanite armies led by Sisera.


RELATED STORY: God files for divorce from Republican Party (SATIRE)


Back in Washington, court watchers quickly analyzed the news.

Deborah's Song, Judges 5. Wood engraving circa 1866.

Photo courtesy of Gustave Doré [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Deborah’s Song, Judges 5. Wood engraving circa 1866.

The Book of Judges reports “she held court under the Palm of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the hill country of Ephraim, and the Israelites went up to her to have their disputes decided.” SCOTUSblog has begun releasing daily analysis, called “Under the Palm,” where various constitutional law experts parse her scriptural precedents.

Senate Republicans are perplexed at the prospect of her nomination. “Puts us in a real tight spot,” said one senior GOP aide, who requested anonymity in accordance with her fear of God. “Blocking the nomination could mean opposing God’s will, and we surely don’t want to end up like the Canaanites.”

Cheerier voices could be found up Pennsylvania Avenue. White House press secretary Josh Earnest sang the prophetess’s praises in a Rose Garden reporter gaggle, telling a skeptical political press corps: “Warrior! Prophet! Wife! Ruler! We’ve obviously got this in the bag.” He continued giddily for more than 30 minutes in response to a single question, “I don’t care that she didn’t go to Harvard or Yale like the rest of them, let’s see how much the Republicans really love Israel now.”

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

NPR’s Nina Totenberg commented: “Nominating a hero of the biblical narrative to replace conservative Justice Antonin Scalia would honor his devotion to America’s religious heritage. But he probably would have preferred one of the many, many, many men in the Bible.”

Women with cases before the court, including affirmative action challenger Abigail Fisher and U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell, welcomed the prospect of what many consider to be a strong female leader. But, Burwell said, “We want to know more about her record since the world has changed a lot in the last three millennia.”

(Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes The Literalist, a twice-weekly satirical news column for RNS. His writing on faith and public policy has appeared in Sojourners, The Washington Post, Texas Tribune and other publications. Follow him on Twitter at @guthriegf)

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  • I think we already know that Deborah will not be approved. Her record is spotless as far as Biblical records go, but do the Republicans think the SCOTUS is ready for a powerful female Jew? God’s Will or not–we conservative Republicans have already given our word to not look at any appointments. First of all, we are tired of Obama and his Executive Orders (he’s taking too much power). We are tired of the Supreme Court doing the job of the Congress to legislate (as we see it). And we are tired of being the bottom man on the totem pole, so we are taking our own power now to stop the other two branches of government from adequately functioning. I hope this proves our point (whatever that is). This is followed by a chorus of R-E-S-P-E-C-T with the words Republicans in Charge inserted.

  • DvoraOCDS

    Her military record could prove troublesome, you know.

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