Cruz reveals God’s 4-step plan for him to win (SATIRE)

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U.S. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz speaks to the media before a campaign rally in Glen Ellyn, Ill., on March 14, 2016. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Jim Young
 *Editors: This photo may only be republished with RNS-FITZSIMMONS-COLUMN, originally transmitted on March 17, 2016, AND RNS-CATHOLICS-CRUZ, originally transmitted on March 21, 2016.

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz speaks to the media before a campaign rally in Glen Ellyn, Ill., on March 14, 2016. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Jim Young *Editors: This photo may only be republished with RNS-FITZSIMMONS-COLUMN, originally transmitted on March 17, 2016, AND RNS-CATHOLICS-CRUZ, originally transmitted on March 21, 2016.

SEDONA, Ariz. (RNS) Preacher’s kid turned Senate outcast Ted Cruz unveiled the divine plan for him to win the Republican nomination for president. “These mounting primary losses are my Calvary, but Cleveland will be my resurrection.”

The fiery Texan held a press conference in front of a giant, homeschool-made sign reading “Ted’s Religious Liberty to Continue to Lose, but Eventually Win!” He opened his remarks by leading the crowd in a chant of “Trust Ted, Trust God” and then shared with reporters how he prayed over his debilitating string of losses throughout the country Tuesday. “I was lost, but now two days later I’m found again. Onward to glory I go!”


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Cruz said the Lord revealed his four-step action plan, which he has already set in motion:

Step #1: God told Marco Rubio to drop out of the race. The Florida senator’s flip-flopping between Catholicism, Mormonism and evangelicalism always was a sore point in their relationship. Adios, says Dios.

Step #2: God uses John Kasich to prevent anyone from gaining a majority of delegates. The Ohio governor is Anglican. Let’s face it, Anglicans aren’t really Bible-believing, tent-revival-praying, tongues-talking Christians. But in rare cases the Almighty can even use an Anglican for good.

Step #3: God will let the pact between the devil and Donald J. Trump play out. God agreed in late 2015 to let Satan “do his thing” with Trump in the primaries. The elaborate temptation of Christians in America to forsake their religion and embrace the vision of a real estate tycoon will run its course but ultimately not succeed.

Step #4: God will lead Cruz’s forces into a nasty floor flight at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, a brawl backed by heavenly decree. When the final trumpet sounds, Cruz’s name will be proclaimed.

Family Research Council president Tony Perkins speaks outside the Family Research Council Headquarters in Washington, D.C. on August 16, 2013. RNS photo by Chris Lisee

Family Research Council president Tony Perkins speaks outside the Family Research Council Headquarters in Washington, D.C. on August 16, 2013. RNS photo by Chris Lisee

Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council stood by Cruz’s side throughout the press conference. “God confirmed for me that Ted’s not called to win any major states other than his home state of Texas. That’s obvious. But now it’s all part of the very clear plan.”

Perkins gave a prayer over the plan. “Lord, we don’t pray for votes today; we know we’re not going to get enough. We pray for this long drawn-out process you’re calling us to undertake with little hope of eventual success. Give us the strength to make it to glory in Cleveland.”

Cruz insisted after multiple questions from reporters that God does not want him to win the Republican nomination for president outright. “Like so many Christians, and high school football teams, I believe God destined me to this thing straight up. But now we’re headed to the long drawn-out process of winning small shares of delegates in each state and then culminating in a long drawn fight on the floor of the Republican National Convention. We’re headed to overtime. And God created overtime, too.”

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

He wrapped up the press conference with a stirring call to action. “From the dawn of this country, Judeo-Christianity has chosen every American president. Except Barack Obama, of course. I trust God in everything and in everything I trust God’s will be done in America as it is in heaven. ”

(Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes The Literalist, a twice-weekly satirical news column for RNS. His writing on faith and public policy has appeared in Sojourners, The Washington Post, Texas Tribune and other publications. Follow him on Twitter at @guthriegf)


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