Trump or Cruz? Find out who Jesus wants you to support (SATIRE)

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If history is our guide, the differences in the Republican Party between the "God" voters -- those backing Ted Cruz, at right -- and the "Country" voters -- who favor Donald Trump -- will not last long. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Chris Keane

If history is our guide, the differences in the Republican Party between the "God" voters -- those backing Ted Cruz, at right -- and the "Country" voters -- who favor Donald Trump -- will not last long. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Chris Keane

The Literalist Guthrie(RNS) How do The Donald and Lyin’ Ted match up against the Son of God? As the two bloviating egotists vie for the Republican “religious vote,” you can judge for yourself how their words compare to the man.

Pick A or B for the statement you think is closest to the teachings of Jesus, then see who wins “Most Like Jesus!” Grab your pencils, and good luck.

1) You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Take our quiz to see which of these GOP presidential candidates you think is closest to Jesus in his views -- Donald Trump or Sen. Ted Cruz. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Chris Keane

Take our quiz to see which of these GOP presidential candidates you think is closest to Jesus in his views — Donald Trump or Sen. Ted Cruz. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Chris Keane *Editors: This photo may only be republished with RNS-CANDIDATE-QUIZ, originally transmitted on March 30, 2016.

  • A. “Under no circumstances will Iran be allowed to acquire nuclear weapons. If the ayatollah doesn’t understand that, we may have to introduce him to his 72 virgins.”
  • B. “I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? We’re not allowed to punch back anymore. … I’d like to punch him in the face.”

2) Put your sword back in its place … for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.

  • A. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK? It’s, like, incredible.”
  • B. “I’ll take the votes of everyone who likes machine guns and bacon.”

3) Do to others as you would have them do to you.

  • A. “Under the law, torture is excruciating pain equivalent to losing organs and systems. (Waterboarding) does not meet the generally recognized definition of torture.”
  • B. “I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.”

4) I was a stranger and you welcomed me.

  • A. “These are people that shouldn’t be in our country. They flow in like water.”
  • B. “We can build the fence. We can triple the border patrol. We can end sanctuary cities by cutting off funding to them. We can end welfare for those here illegally.”

5) Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you did it to me.

  • A. “(The) idea that we should bring tens of thousands of Syrian Muslim refugees to America — it is nothing less than lunacy.”
  • B. “We have no idea who these people are. We are the worst when it comes to paperwork. This could be one of the great Trojan horses.”

6) Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

  • A. “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.”
  • B. “I want to remind you of the promise of Scripture. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Iowa has proclaimed to the world: Morning is coming. Morning is coming.”

7) “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

  • A. “The American people want to see leadership in this country. They want to see America win again.”
  • B. “We’re gonna make our country rich again. We’re gonna make our country great again, and we need the rich in order to make the great.”

Answer key: Whether you picked a majority for Cruz: “A” for odd-numbered verses and “B” on even, or the opposite choices for Trump, God help us all.

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy. From 2011 to 2015, he worked at the National Immigration Forum mobilizing Christians to advocate for the value of immigrants and immigration to America. Follow him at @guthriegf. Photo courtesy of Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes about faith and public policy.

(Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes The Literalist, a twice-weekly satirical news column for RNS. His writing on faith and public policy has appeared in Sojourners, The Washington Post, Texas Tribune and other publications. Follow him on Twitter at @guthriegf)

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  • Leon

    This was some of the same accusations that was said about Obama when he was running and while in his two terms. Yes he was only the gate keeper but who were those who ran through wanting freedom and liberty democracy and rights?

  • Rod M

    Fair ‘nuf. Now let’s see something similar about Hillary.

  • Jack

    CS Lewis said that heaven would irk both the right and left. The right would see all the voluntary and joyful sharing — no pride of ownership — and say, “lousy stinking socialists!” The left would see the formality and hierarchy and timelessness and say, “reactionary religious right bigots!”

    Anyone who puts their politics ahead of the gospel isn’t going to be a happy camper, according to Lewis. In fact, for such people it would probably feel like Hell.

  • Fran

    Of course, Jesus wants you to support him as King of God’s kingdom or heavenly government (Daniel 2:44; Matthew 4:17). That government will soon put an end to all human governments and rule in their place with love, righteousness and justice over humans during its upcoming millennial rule (Isaiah 11:1-9). People will need to make their choice for either one.

  • Jack

    Some poster who haunts these boards is clearly afflicted with Fran Derangement Syndrome (FDS). Whenever Fran posts, something in his brain snaps and off he goes, like a bull bounding after a matador waving a red cape.

    Now Fran’s a Jehovah’s Witness and so we disagree theologically, but there’s nothing about her posts that I find particularly offensive or off-putting.

    And as for Jesus returning, according to the Bible, certain specific things must happen first. They have not happened and were not even close to happening until quite recently. The obvious one is the Gospel being preached to all nations. That was impossible until recently and even now, it hasn’t happened yet, not by a long shot.

    Of course that didn’t stop silly geese in each generation, over the past 20 centuries, from stubbornly ignoring that condition and claiming themselves to be the generation in which he returns.