Ayn Rand endorses Donald Trump (SATIRE)

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Author and philosopher Ayn Rand provided much of the intellectual framework for the conservative movement, but liberal Christians say her go-it-alone philosophy is antithetical to the Bible. RNS file photo.

Author and philosopher Ayn Rand. RNS file photo

VALHALLA, N.Y. (RNS) She may have died in 1982, but that’s not stopping Ayn Rand from taking sides in the Republican primary.

The groundskeeper at the cemetery where the controversial philosopher is buried discovered a note appended to her grave early this morning. The authenticity of her endorsement was confirmed by both handwriting specialists and several of her contemporary acolytes who immediately recognized the tone as unmistakably hers.

The anti-communist novelist’s words are reprinted here in their entirety:

“First, I will state the obvious. Donald J. Trump is the egoist’s egoist. He makes more money in a day than you will likely make in your lifetime. His buildings are superiorly taller than the one you live in. His wife is superiorly more attractive than your spouse. He is just plainly and simply a superior human being than you. Deep down inside, you know that you would give anything to trade lives with our next President.

“I am grateful he said he was a fan of my novel ‘The Fountainhead’ earlier this week, saying ‘it relates to business (and) beauty (and) life and inner emotions. That book relates to … everything.’ He doesn’t compliment many women, so I know he really sees how great of a writer I am. If I were to write another novel, perhaps Donald would be my protagonist.

“But his status as a superior businessman and appreciation for objectivism is not why I’m endorsing him today. I embrace Trump because he has successfully broken the GOP’s awkward and reason-betraying embrace of religion.

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“Ostensibly the party of free markets and individual liberty the GOP has, for far too long, been coupled with Christianity, which as I have written, is ‘the best kindergarten of communism possible.’ Republicans have somehow embraced my economic philosophy while skirting around the issue of my vehement denial of God and crusade against Christ.

“’Two Corinthians’ Trump shows his cards. I appreciate that. He fears no God calling him to show compassion and follows no other man, certainly not a poor Jewish carpenter with no possessions. He solely and openly worships laissez-faire capitalism, and that makes even my coldest-of-hearts swell.

“Critics will question how I can support Trump, who comes off in the media as a know-nothing embarrassment. Those critics are foolish. Donald goes to church and plays the game because he has to win over know-nothing voters. His public persona just reflects the mindset of racist, sexist and angry Americans who get equal say in electing the President as their educated, enlightened compatriots.

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“Do you really think Donald Trump cares about women, Muslims, or Mexicans? Please. Or take the issue of abortion. Do you really think he cares about unborn life when he shows so little regard for those alive now? He clearly agrees with me that, ‘Never mind the vicious nonsense of claiming that an embryo has a right to life … to oppose its termination is to advocate sacrifice, not for the sake of anyone’s benefit but for the sake of misery qua misery.’

“Trump has never sacrificed a thing in his life, or apologized to anyone for that. His life is a godless pursuit of profit, and now the presidency, by the most excessive, indulgent means possible. If you agree with me that rational selfishness is the highest moral value, then you must cast your vote for Donald J. Trump.”

The Literalist Guthrie

(Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons writes The Literalist, a twice-weekly satirical news column for RNS. His writing on faith and public policy has appeared in Sojourners, The Washington Post, The Texas Tribune and other publications. Follow him on Twitter at @guthriegf)