N.C. governor discovers gender-neutral bathrooms in his own mansion (SATIRE)

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A bathroom sign welcomes both genders at the Cacao Cinnamon coffee shop in Durham, N.C., on May 3, 2016. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Jonathan Drake/File Photo 
*Editors: This photo may only be republished with RNS-GUTHRIE-SATIRE, originally transmitted on May 11, 2016.

A bathroom sign welcomes both genders at the Cacao Cinnamon coffee shop in Durham, N.C., on May 3, 2016. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Jonathan Drake/File Photo *Editors: This photo may only be republished with RNS-GUTHRIE-SATIRE, originally transmitted on May 11, 2016.

RALEIGH, N.C. (RNS) “I jumped right off the toilet,” Governor Pat McCrory confessed in a teary television interview last night. “I’m on this God-given mission to liberate bathrooms, and to my horror I found myself sitting in the very thing I’m fighting. How could I have known a woman wasn’t about to walk in? Other than knowing the door was locked?”

The former businessman turned moral potty crusader was joined by his wife Ann for the made-for-May-sweeps primetime exclusive. “We have eight bathrooms, and it turns out none of them are gendered,” the first lady told ABC’s Diane Sawyer.

The McCrorys pledged to gender all of their official state residence restrooms by early next week. “This is the government of North Carolina’s top priority now,” an official letter signed by the governor and every Republican member of the legislature stated.

While U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch’s Department of Justice sues the state over its “bathroom bill,” McCrory doubled down on his position: “no dudes in chicks’ bathrooms.”

The first couple shared that since their stunning admission of negligence in bathroom safety, they’ve heard from thousands of constituents who also discovered gender-neutral restrooms in their homes.

“We were even at church,” the governor said as he held his wife’s trembling hand. “And noticed a gender-neutral restroom in the choir room. Is nowhere safe?”