BURLINGTON, Vt. (RNS) Bernie Sanders may have lost, but his followers will be with us always. That’s the message the Vermont senator will soon deliver, according to senior campaign aides. The presumptive Democratic primary loser is spending a few days at home drafting the final words for his campaign’s quixotic homestretch. Anonymous sources have revealed that he’s looking to an unlikely source for rhetorical inspiration: Jesus of Nazareth.
“Bernie really loved meeting the pope, and he even appreciated his visit to Liberty University,” campaign manager Jeff Weaver told Religion News Service. “He has developed a nonreligious appreciation for Christian social justice ethics, and sees a lot of parallels between the anti-imperial campaign Jesus waged and his own struggle against the millionaires and billionaires.”
Tentatively titled “The Great BernMission,” Sanders will soon gather up his disciples and say to them, “All authority in international trade and college tuition has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the of the 99 percent and of anarchist Emma Goldman and of the Nordic countries, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the Capitalist Age.”
Sanders will also encourage his followers to continue building their quasi-religious movement through fervent social media ministries. “For where two or three gather online in my name, there am I with their paragraphs-long rants in Facebook comments section.”
Philosopher-activist-Matrix-star Cornel West commented that the parallels between the two Jews — Jesus of Nazareth and Bernie of Brooklyn — didn’t end there. “There will be a second coming of #FeelTheBern. The Revolution is near, though we don’t know exactly when or how. We wait in expectant anticipation. And by wait, we mean make the next months a living hell for Hillary Clinton.”