Satan to keynote Republican National Convention

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A man dressed as a devil performs during a Krampus show in the southern Bohemian town of Kaplice December 13, 2014. Each year people in traditional costumes and masks parade through the streets to perform an old ritual to disperse the ghosts of winter.      REUTERS/David W Cerny

A man dressed as a devil performs during a Krampus show in the southern Bohemian town of Kaplice December 13, 2014. Each year people in traditional costumes and masks parade through the streets to perform an old ritual to disperse the ghosts of winter. REUTERS/David W Cerny

CLEVELAND (RNS) Donald Trump has promised “huge” ratings for his primary season finale next week, despite his attempts to lure top Republicans and Mike Ditka mounting into a large pile of don’t-associate-me-with-that-racist regrets. Undeterred as always, the Donald will turn to an immoral political outsider like himself to deliver the keynote address: the Devil Incarnate.

The Evil One will speak on the darker side of Trump’s campaign theme “Make America Great Again … For Angry White Men” with a message on “Make America Hell Again … for Everyone Else.” The Adversary will reportedly spend equal time on treating women like objects, praising dictators, vilifying immigrants, slurring various religious groups, and not disassociating himself from white supremacists.

A few excerpts from Beelzebub’s speech were given to press in advance:

  • “When somebody hurts you, just go after them as viciously and as violently as you can. Like it says in the Bible, an eye for an eye. Be paranoid.”
  • “I play into people’s fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That’s why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular.”
  • “The media represents great power. As someone who has received a lot of attention from the media, I know that its power to make someone recognizable is unbelievable.”
  • “If someone attacks you, do not hesitate. Go for the jugular.”
  • “I will say that people who are following me are very passionate.”
  • “You hear lots of people say that a great deal is when both sides win. That is a bunch of crap. In a great deal you win— not the other side. You crush the opponent and come away with something better for yourself.”
  • “You can never be too greedy.”
  • “A lot of people like me, and a lot of people don’t. That’s okay, because my brand is solid and so am I.”
  • “The show is ‘Trump.’ And it is sold-out performances everywhere.”
  • “A lot of people want to say that being monogamous is the only family value.”

In addition to the convention appearance, The Tempter and the star of The Apprentice will campaign together to incite xenophobic resentment and scapegoating in white working class communities across America. The embattled birther tweeted his praise this morning:

Satirical illustration by Guthrie Graves-Fitzsimmons

(A note from The Literalist: The quotes from the Devil’s speech are Trump’s actual words. The above tweet certainly could be, but isn’t.)