Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, right, and Indiana Governor Mike Pence, left, wave to the crowd before addressing the crowd during a campaign stop at the Grand Park Events Center in Westfield, Indiana, on July 12, 2016. Photo courtesy of REUTERS/John Sommers II
All attention turns to Cleveland this week, where Donald Trump is expected to accept the GOP nomination for president. A cornerstone of Trump’s platform has been to deny entry to all Muslim immigrants, no matter where they come from or what their individual life situation may be.
This is a fantastic idea. In fact, I can’t imagine why no one has thought of this solution before. Ridding the nation of Muslims will go a long way toward ending the cycle of violence in this country as perpetrated by Muslims angry white men like Dylan Kleibold, Adam Lanza, Dylann Roof, Elliot Rodger and other mass shooters. It just makes sense.
In fact, while we’re at it, let’s reject Muslim influence on society altogether. It’s downright un-American. In making America Muslim-free again, we will also make it great again! So let’s eliminate:
- Math. Muslims are widely regarded as having made huge contributions to higher mathematics (algebra, that bane of my eighth-grade existence, comes from the Arabic al-jabara). Damn them for this. Who needs math? All math gives us is pesky facts and statistics, when what really matters is how people feel in their gut. That’s what Donald Trump says, anyway. We should believe him.
- Zero. While we’re disposing of math, let’s be sure to dump that useless creation, the zero. Muslims were not the only inventors of the zero, but we don’t want to chance any Islamic taint by keeping it around. Zero is a weak number, a nothing number. It’s an innate loser. Red-blooded Americans don’t need it. Without the zero, just like that, our national debt would go from $19.3 trillion to $193. See how Islam has been holding the U.S. down?
- Astronomy. Everyone already knows that America is the center of the universe, duh. So why would we need this entirely gratuitous field masquerading as a science?
- Universities. Once we’ve exterminated math and astronomy, we might as well gut the universities altogether. Silly Muslims, setting an example for the world by founding the first institutions of higher learning. Colleges and universities have been nothing but trouble since then, as seen in last week’s widely publicized Historians Against Donald Trump petition.
- Hospitals. Muslims may have created the first real hospitals, but hospitals are for the weak, while America is strong. All hospitals do is encourage illness and dependency. People just need to decide they’re going to get well, and do it already. Problem solved.
Think how much money we just saved by chucking hospitals, universities, and other expensive Muslim creations!
Oh, wait. We can’t really calculate that since we don’t have math anymore.
Other satire posts from Flunking Sainthood:
- Mormons to open Starbucks locations inside LDS temples
- Mormon leader Uchtdorf translated to heaven; begins to glow
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