(By guest columnist Bridget Kelso)
DETROIT (RNS) Donald Trump recently attempted to make inroads into the African-American Community by attending a black church service. Today, the African-American Community summarily denied him any acceptance with this letter, which was obtained exclusively by The Literalist:
Dear Mr. Trump –
Your application to be “Palatable to the African-American Community” has been denied. As you are aware from the application, your status cannot be challenged for a period of one calendar year.
As a highly creative, proud and long-standing community in residence in the United States of America, we are often inundated with prospective applicants. Our culture is highly sought after, so we must be diligent and guard against favoritism.
To be frank, your credentials were not competitive. Your last minute entry of “Deigning to Attend a Black Church” was undermined by your inability to contain your discomfort. Your uninspiring, patronizing speech failed to move anyone in the pews. You were in the perfect position to try singing a Negro spiritual, referencing a black friend, or doing the Dab.
Your uncomfortable swaying, while standing in the midst of African-Americans was simply the fatal move. Had you been able to find just a hint of a beat or grace in that moment, we would have been able to consider you for the “Hateful but He’s Got Rhythm” category of associate membership.
As you continue your efforts to apply to be palatable to other communities like the LGBTQ Community (the Women’s Community already rejected your application), you might consider your choice of references more carefully. Omarosa Manigault and Dr. Ben Carson had their black cards pulled several years ago. Perhaps there is a has-been, down on his luck black actor available who can pull a “Chachi” for you? You might be surprised who is willing to swallow their pride for a brief moment of relevance.
Until you reapply again next year, you will retain your status of “Offensive Racist Dullard Bully” within the African-American community. Best of luck in all of your endeavors. As long as those endeavors don’t involve becoming President of the United States.
The BLACK DELEGATION
“Frowning on Your Shenanigans Since 1967”
(Bridget Kelso is an artist, activist and minister living in New York City. You can follow her on Twitter @divakelso.)