God created Skittles in his own image

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A bowl of Skittles.  Photo courtesy of Jared Cherup via Flickr Commons

A bowl of Skittles. Photo courtesy of Jared Cherup via Flickr Commons

(RNS) The following is the first in a new series of excerpts from the forthcoming book “A Not So Sad, Boring Bible: The Much Bigger, Better Gospel According to the Trump Family,” obtained exclusively by The Literalist. We will be releasing segments between now and election day to shed more light on the theology behind the prospective first family. Today’s verses are attributed to Donald Trump Jr.

Genesis 1:26-27

Then God said, “Let us make Skittles in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over all the other candy, and over the entire section of goodies near the checkout counter at Kroger,  and over every snack food on the entire Earth.” So God created Skittles in his image, in the image of God he created them; purple, yellow, green, orange, red and blue he created them.

Matthew 2: 13-15

Now after they had left, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, “Get up, take these Skittles, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you; for Herod is about to search for the red ones, to destroy them.” Then Joseph got up, took the packages of Skittles, and went to Egypt,  and remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfill what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet, “Out of Egypt I have called my Skittles.”

Matthew 25: 31-25

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was in the bowl of Skittles and you welcomed me.