(RNS) Slipping in the polls this past August, Donald Trump sat down with the only sympathetic member of the media other than Sean Hannity. Now in an even worse poll position, the Orange Tic Tac pays another visit to his affirming haven in hell. Here is the rush transcript:
The Devil: It’s a pleasure to talk again. You’re polling just over fifty percent here, which you should feel free to tweet. Who are you going to blame for losing the election?
The Donald: Despite winning the second debate in a landslide (every poll), it is hard to do well when Paul Ryan and others give zero support!
The Devil: So your plan is to take the GOP down with you?
The Donald: The way to do best with me is to be really nice to me.
The Devil: And I always am. Despite what the really nice folks at Breitbart News tell you though, the Access Hollywood tape hurt you. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. But it hurt.
The Donald: That was locker room talk. I’m not proud of it. But that was something that happened.
The Devil: It certainly happened. A lot of folks are down here for doing what you described.
The Donald: Well, somebody’s doing the raping. I mean somebody’s doing it. Who’s doing the raping?
The Devil: You are?
The Donald: I will tell you that when Hillary brings up a point like that and she talks about words that I said 11 years ago, I think it’s disgraceful and I think she should be ashamed of herself, if you want to know the truth.
The Devil: That’s my type of apology. I do love it when you tear into the “Good Little Methodist Girl.” I must admit though when you referred to her as “the Devil” in the debate, that stung a bit.
The Donald: If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?
The Devil: I can tell you with certainty she’s never wondered how to “satisfy” America.
The Donald: I think her bodyguards should drop all weapons. Disarm immediately. Take their guns away, let’s see what happens to her.
The Devil: Got it. Assault Nancy O’Dell. Get Hillary Clinton killed. Any other women you want to chat about?
The Donald: Arianna Huffington is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
The Devil: Enough about women. Let’s take about our mutual friend Vladimir Putin.
The Donald: I know nothing about Russia.
The Devil: (gasping) What?
The Donald: He’s been a leader, far more than our president has been a leader.
The Devil: Much better. Finally, when you going to show us the hidden tapes from the Apprentice?
The Donald: No comment.
The Devil: You know the tapes I’m talking about. How about the one where you say the n-word?
The Donald: When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.
Author’s note: All the lines from Donald J. Trump are direct quotes. Those from the devil are fictional, as far as I can tell.