(The following is an RNS exclusive commentary by Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz)
SEATTLE (RNS) Persecuted Christians of America, I’m sorry. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies for causing such sorrow. Let me be the first to wish you a “Merry Christmas.”
I apologize for the green cups. I want to truly repent of my wayward ways, so I’ve decreed all our cups will now include the entire narrative of the virgin birth. Our special “Starbucks saves Christmas sleeves” will also have a checkbox allowing people to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior while enjoying a Christmas beverage.
I apologize for selling Idina Menzel’s “Holiday Wishes” album near our cash registers. Secular holiday music distracts from classic Christmas hymns and Christmas carols. Though Americans of other religions celebrate holidays in the winter season, I agree including them is hostile to Christmas.
I apologize for not stopping same-sex couples from entering our stores. We have failed Christian America deeply by caffeinating gay weddings. We want to single out all the sexually immoral Americans though, so we also pledge not to serve divorcées.
And lastly, I apologize for founding Starbucks. If the Bible clearly and definitively bans drinking coffee, who am I to sell it? I went so far astray of the Bible’s teaching, I even allowed stores to start selling alcohol.
I hope you will accept all of my Christmas apologies.
And, by the way, Happy Holidays!