Trump, Clinton offer final prayers before election

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Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, Archbishop of New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan, and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump pray as they attend the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation dinner to benefit Catholic charities in New York.  October 20, 2016. Photo courtesy of Reuters/Carlos Barr

Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, Archbishop of New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan, and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump pray as they attend the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation dinner to benefit Catholic charities in New York. October 20, 2016. Photo courtesy of Reuters/Carlos Barr

CLEVELAND, Ohio (RNS) Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are making their final cases to not just voters, but also God.The Literalist eavesdropped on each of their final supplications.

The casino magnate and reality television star sent this prayer up his golden escalator:

“Look, I haven’t been to church in a while—but I love the evangelicals, man have the evangelicals been good to me, they love me, OK, even defended the locker room talk, nobody loves the evangelicals more than me—but that can’t stop us from making a deal because I’m still a smart guy you know—I went to Wharton, smart guy, I’m not a dummy, she’s the dummy, SHE’S THE DUMMY!—so here’s the deal Big Guy: you help me out, you know, long lines and broken voting machines in the inner cities—inner cities are hell holes, all the cities are hell holes, but no one’s gonna treat the Hispanics and African-Americans better than me— don’t make it too obvious like Putin, you help me out and I won’t rape any more girls, or drop a nuke on the Vatican, or get a third divorce, OK, I’ll behave a little, you’re gonna love it, I’ll be the most well-behaved President ever. We got a deal?”

The Good Methodist Girl prayed the following after consulting with eighteen senior campaign advisors:

“One more day, God, just one more day. One more day until I finally conquer the highest office in the land. My pantsuit will be a brighter white than even Jesus at his own ascension. After so many years of trials and tribulations, I will finally burst across the final threshold and break that final, glorious barrier that stands before me. I couldn’t have done this without you, my Heavenly Queen. How else could my only opponents have been a socialist who made me look young and a narcissistic demagogue who made me the ethical choice? From the moment I first began dreaming about the presidency—seventy years ago in my mother’s womb—until now, I trusted in you and poll-tested messaging alone. Grant me one more day, God, and then I will see you in Glory.”