c. 1996 Religion News Service

(Frederica Mathewes-Green is a member of the Eastern Orthodox Church. She is the author of the recent book”Real Choices”(Multnomah) and a frequent contributor to Christianity Today magazine.)

UNDATED _ Has this happened to you? You’re watching some talk n’ politics TV show, a few people sitting around a table with a photo backdrop of the U.S. Capitol, and one of them is a total idiot.

You’re thinking,”I can’t believe what the one next to the potted plant is saying,”and”Did you hear that? How’d she/he get on this show?”and”I could do better than that _ in fact, my labrador retriever could do better than that!” Well, that would be me.

The other night I was the guest on a Washington talk show, one bounced up and out by satellite and attracting (unfortunately for me) politically savvy viewers across the nation.

But I am not a politically savvy viewer. Politics is for me a vast, roiling, complicated field where lots of noisy action takes place, but not much happens that is comprehensible, much less interesting. Something like football. In fact, there are three things I actively avoid learning anything about: politics, sports, and cooking.

So about a month ago I got a phone call from the show’s producer, asking me to come on to discuss the abortion common-ground movement, which organizes dialogues between pro-life and pro-choice adherents. I put together a folder of clippings and got dolled up in my best TV-camera red dress.

Waiting just off-stage during the show’s intro segment, though, I felt a momentary confusion.”Recently Congressional leaders met with President Clinton at the White House,”one of the hosts said,”and Newt Gingrich and Dick Gephardt had their first face-to-face meeting in more than a year. There’s a new spirit of bipartisanship on Capitol Hill.” Really? I thought.”Here with us tonight is columnist Frederica Mathewes-Green, to explain what all this means.” Uh-oh, I thought.

And then I was on the set and under the lights. The two hosts peppered me with friendly questions, and for the most part I had no idea what they were talking about. Gradually, I realized that this was not just an obscure way to segue into my topic. This was the topic for the evening; the producer must have jotted”Mathewes-Green: Common Ground”on a schedule before he left town, and someone else interpreted the term to set up this show. And now we were live, coast-to-coast, and about to take viewer calls.

I kept smiling. Except when I was supposed to look concerned. I figured out how state fair fortune tellers do it: The mark gives away more than he knows.

My hosts unwittingly fed me straightlines over and over:”Is this kind of bipartisanship what we really want?””Isn’t this a lot of smoke and mirrors?””Won’t we soon be right back to business as usual?”The correct answers were: No, Yes, and Probably (but please don’t ask me how soon).

Sometimes, though, I couldn’t guess.”Who needs this more _ Republicans or Democrats?”won a”Hmm, it’s hard for me to say.”(They had no idea how hard.)”Has Newt Gingrich learned his lesson?”was another baffler. What lesson? What did he do? How would I know?

Or try this:”All we’ve got on campaign finance reform is McCain Feingold; is that all we’re going to see?”On the screen I’m nodding sagely, but if there were a thought balloon over my head it would read,”Who’s McCain Feingold?” Somehow we began talking about President Clinton’s cabinet, under construction. I gathered that someone named Bowles is the new Chief of Staff,and is more conservative than the previous guy, Panetta (which I thought was an Italian dessert). I ventured that maybe the whole cabinet would be more conservative.

My host interjected,”Unless Mitchell gets in.””Ah, Mitchell,”I responded.”Yes, Mitchell is a wild card.”(Surely, not Martha?)

At last we came to the break, and I was able to effect a transfer of anxiety by informing my hosts that I was not prepared to do this show. I had no idea what I had been talking about for the last 20 minutes. If I had known this would be the topic I would have prepared a little _ for example, read the paper this morning.

There was one frozen moment, then one said,”Well, you’re faking it brilliantly.”They assured me that the worst was over; after this it was all viewer calls. True to the genre, the viewers didn’t ask questions but just delivered irritable proclamations. All I had to do was nod or frown.

The next night my husband and I watched the videotape, laughing continuously as I explained minute by minute what panicked thoughts were coursing through my head.”The only way to make this worse,”Gary said,”would have been if they said, `And after this break we’re going to talk about sports!'” And after that they could roll out those portable kitchens they use on cooking shows.

MJP END GREEN