For the Bible tells me so

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When the Bible is ignored, SeaWorld trainers die, says the American Family Association.

You see, the Murderous Orca, named Tillikum, aka “Tilly,” that dragged Dawn Brancheau to her death last month had killed twice before, in 1991, and, more recently, in 1999, when a man who snuck into Sea World to swim with the fishes wound up sleeping with them instead. Adding insult to injury, Tilly tore off the man’s swim trunks after killing him, AFA says.

According to AFA, which is famous for boycotting Pepsi and other companies that allow gays to buy their products, the Bible could have prevented Brancheau’s death.

“If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone’s misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives,” AFA says.

For in the Book of Exodus, it clearly says: Kill the killer whales, before they kill you.

No, it doesn’t. But it does say: “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28)

AFA’s takeway is, “So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death.”

If the animal kills twice, then its owner can be stoned too, the Book of Exodus concludes, according to AFA.

How do you stone a whale, though? Pretty hard to throw things under water, I’ve found. And what about all those nice whales in the Bible, like the one that let Jonah hang out in his stomach for three days, and Moby-Dick, and Willy?

Lucky that our modern legal system offers an alternative solution, AFA says, which is to “sue the pants off SeaWorld for allowing this killer whale to kill again.”

A tip o’ the cap to the good folks at Wonkette, for highlighting this important story.