(RNS) — During the holiday season, Britt Hartley, a former Mormon turned atheist spiritual guide, urges nonbelievers to see religious traditions as a “box of heirlooms” and decide what’s worth keeping.
“Each person has a box because nearly all of our ancestors were religious,” Hartley said. “Go through that box and decide what you want to keep.”
This year, Hartley’s tree is decorated with Harry Potter-themed ornaments.
“It’s the story that my kids are having the most fun with right now,” Hartley said. “And I love a good story.”
Fifteen years ago in Boise, Idaho, Hartley began questioning her faith after researching The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ tradition of polygamy. A new mom at the time, with the first of her four children, Hartley felt unable to get past the harm she believed the practice inflicted on women within the church. She initially assumed she had simply been born into the wrong faith. But while pursuing her master’s in applied theology, with a focus on Gen Z spirituality and the future of America from Northwind Theological Seminary, she lost her belief in religion entirely.
“I had a big dark night of the soul,” Hartley said. “I had to face existential fears because now I thought: I have no God, no beliefs, no community. I have nothing.”
Britt Hartley in her office. (Photo courtesy of Britt Hartley)
Eventually, by developing what she sees as “a secular spirituality,” studying philosophy and exploring ways to combat nihilism, Hartley says she has rebuilt her spiritual life in a way that’s authentic to her.
“Now the thing that I most want to do is help people find meaningful, even spiritual lives without forcing them to believe things that they just don’t believe,” Hartley said.
Known online as No Nonsense Spirituality, Hartley uses TikTok and her virtual coaching practice to guide individuals in creating purpose-driven lives through a spiritual approach free from traditional religious frameworks. She teaches courses on topics such as spiritual reconstruction and nihilism recovery and provides coaching to help individuals heal from religious trauma.
At home, she practices beekeeping as a form of spiritual engagement. While she doesn’t view astrology, crystals or tarot cards as “capital T true,” she recognizes their potential to inspire introspection and support personal spiritual growth.
In April, she published a book titled “No Nonsense Spirituality: All the Tools, No Faith Required,” which provides step-by-step methods for such practices as meditation, gratitude and mindfulness.
“There is something to be said for song, ritual and hope,” Hartley said. “If I can be a part of those things without having to perform literal belief, I think you get essentially the benefit of both worlds.”
This month, Hartley shares advice for nonbelievers facing religious family dynamics, “triggering” traditions and tough conversations during the holiday season.
In her metaphorical heirloom box, Hartley has kept the tradition of decorating a Christmas tree, eating clam chowder every Christmas Eve and saying grace before dinner.
“We all hold hands and say a quote from Lilo and Stitch,” Hartley said. “Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.”
For her four young children, Hartley avoids teaching them some specific biblical stories, including the atonement of Jesus and his death and resurrection, because she believes they carry dangerous ideas. Instead, each year she and her family add straw to a small decorative manger, resembling the one Jesus was born in during the Nativity scene. Her children are encouraged to place a piece of straw in it whenever they perform an act of kindness.
“It’s something I did a long time ago,” Hartley said. “Jesus is something that I can definitely meet with this holiday.”
The “sorting hat” from the Harry Potter series sits atop the Christmas tree in Britt Hartley’s home in Boise, Idaho, on Dec. 22, 2024. (Photo courtesy of Britt Hartley)
Regarding Jesus, Hartley encourages nonbelievers to take the time to learn about him as a historical figure, while also exploring the possibility of building a new, more personal connection with him as a mystical figure.
“It’s helpful to take out some of the supernatural truth claims and focus on the homeless radical mystic whose parables are still inspiring to me even as an atheist,” Hartley said. “Basically, renegotiate your relationship.”
She suggests reading the Gospel of Thomas, a noncanonical collection of Jesus’ sayings that focuses on personal spiritual knowledge and enlightenment. Hartley also says the work of American New Testament scholar Bart Ehrman, who explores the historical context of early Christianity, Jesus’ life as a historical figure, and the development of the Bible, is a good resource.
At the most basic level, she encourages nonbelievers to investigate the significance of Jesus and his teachings. “It’s something worth digging into that can help you to meet the holiday in an authentic way,” Hartley said.
For many, the holiday season means visiting family, which often involves spending time with people who hold beliefs they no longer share.
“I have very deep and intimate relationships with people in my life who are Trump voters and active Mormons,” Hartley said. “How you get there is by focusing on that human to human connection that’s underneath beliefs.”
She encourages nonbelievers to surrender the impulse to debate or confront religious truth claims directly and instead approach family members with empathy and respect.
“A great thing to do is to ask yourself: What are the core values of this believer I care about in my friend or family group?” Hartley said. “Seeing the beauty of someone else’s core value, even though it’s different than yours, can allow you to appreciate who they are.”
Core values can include loyalty, authenticity or truth-seeking. Hartley suggests finding common ground that transcends theological or political divides. This approach, what she calls developing “the muscle of intention,” can allow for meaningful dialogue without triggering defensiveness.
Transcending theological or political divides often calls for heartfelt, seasonal inspiration, and Hartley finds it in stories like her favorite Christmas carol, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.”
“It brings me to tears,” she said.
The poem, written during the American Civil War, contrasts the joyful sound of Christmas bells with the sorrow of a man grieving the loss of his wife and child while witnessing the ugliness and despair of a world at war.
“He has this moment where, despite everything — his country torn apart, his child dying, and his wife gone — he still finds something beautiful about humanity,” Hartley said. “That there’s something worth fighting for.”
This leads to her final piece of advice for nonbelievers: to try and see Christmas time as a time to pause, gather with loved ones and honor each other. Even and maybe especially for the nonreligious, Hartley says this season is about reminding ourselves of what is good about humanity: singing together, holding hands, continuing traditions, exchanging gifts and expressing our love for one another.
“All of that still feels sacred to me, and it’s what I want to carry forward,” Hartley said.
This article was produced as part of the RNS/Interfaith America Religion Journalism Fellowship.