Opinion

How a Trump caliphate might operate

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump looks out at Lake Michigan during a visit to the Milwaukee County War Memorial Center in Milwaukee on Aug. 16, 2016. REUTERS/Eric Thayer *Editors: This photo may only be republished with RNS-ALI-OPED, originally transmitted on Aug. 17, 2016.

(RNS) After listening to Donald Trump’s speech outlining his “national security” policies, it’s obvious I must vote for Hillary Clinton to thwart a potential authoritarian Trump caliphate.

Let’s use our imagination and create our own adventure that would inevitably result from Trump’s winning the election:

The year is 2017.

Newly elected President Trump invites select journalists to Trump Tower, “The White House for Winners” according to his latest tweet. He will announce his administration’s bold, new initiatives. A bald eagle perches patriotically on his shoulder and a gold-plated pin of his own face adorns his stars-and-stripes (though made in China) Donald J. Trump suit. The commander in chief of the most powerful country on Earth is keeping his promise to make America great again.

Speaking to Daily Stormer editor Andrew Anglin, President Trump introduces Executive Order 351933, prescribing Edison, N.J., as a “military zone” that will detain “radical” American Muslims. Citing the ongoing war on terror as justification, President Trump assures the public this is a “temporary” detention, much like his temporary ban of 1.6 billion Muslims from entering the country. This order will last until all Muslims undergo “extreme vetting” to ensure they are not national security threats.

To that end, Transportation Security Administration agents have been ordered to rub Muslim-y types with bacon grease at customs to see if they react suspiciously. Law enforcement officials can stop and frisk individuals and do circumcision inspection tests. Recent immigrants will be forced to read Trump’s “Art of the Deal,” and their reaction shall be gauged to see if they have “hostile attitudes” against him, and therefore, against America. Trump will also increase border patrol and national security staff by bringing on “Second Amendment people” to ensure America remains vigilant against domestic and foreign threats.

President Trump assures the “PC police” that he listened to all of their whining about profiling and civil liberties and thus decided to create a new position, Diversity Coordinator and Outreach to Minority Communities. It will be held by former Klan leader David Duke.

Duke assures concerned citizens that only Muslims who practice Shariah, believe in Allah and/or follow the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad will be detained. The “moderates” will be left untouched. Duke also says the administration is “equal opportunity” and not biased regarding Muslims. Jews, especially those critical of Melania Trump, will also be joining Muslims in the camps.

“They’ll compare me to FDR and name highways after me,” responds President Trump.

In order to make America safe (again), President Trump announces that he is borrowing money from his campaign chair, Paul Manafort, who received it from their mutual friend Vladimir to build a wall around America. The labor will be supplied by undocumented immigrants, who will be rounded up and given a choice to either build or be immediately deported.

To win over women, President Trump says he will fire all male interns in the White House and replace them with beauty pageant contestants. In fact, he will host and produce a “Miss USA Intern” show, bringing back the swimsuit content, with audience members voting for the winners. President Trump has offered to personally hand-pick the female anchor replacement for Gretchen Carlson. He promises she will be a 10.

President Trump ends his interview by saying “All Lives Matter,” asserting his commitment to unifying the country and trying to win over black voters as requested by the Republican Party.

This terrifying Twilight Zone episode is absurd but probably isn’t that far-fetched. (If you don’t believe me, just observe the 2016 elections.) A Trump-esque presidency, based on his own words, proposed policies and dangerous associations, would probably result in me, my Muslim family and friends ending up in camps.

For those willing to vote for Trump instead of Clinton, come visit me, please. Please bring mango lassi and kunafah and tell me what happens in the final seasons of “Game of Thrones.” Pray that we have free Wi-Fi.

(Wajahat Ali is the author of the play “The Domestic Crusaders” and creative director of Affinis Labs, a hub for social entrepreneurship and innovation)

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  • If you need hyperbole and exaggeration to explain why not to support TRUMP of all people, you clearly do not have the capabilities to write in any meaningful way, and you should seriously reconsider your career choice.

  • It’s hilarious that you think that.

    It’s laughable that you think the US president would even have the power to do what is outlined above.

    It’s even funny that you think Trump would want or care about doing some of the outlined above. Trump believes in and wants to do some ridiculous stuff, but some of this is out there even for him.

    If you seriously believe there is little to no hyperbole in the above, I think you are so lost to the whole Left/Right identity war that you cannot see past the ridiculous, BLATANT hyperbole.

    Trump’s a ridiculous character that can be easily torn apart without resorting to this blatant nonsense. 😀 The fact that there are people out there like you who are so blinded by rhetoric that you actually BELIEVE they hyperbole… well, that just adds to the insanity of this entire election.

    The stuff outlined above is SO outrageous that even though my Faith in the Laws of Muhammad outlaw gambling, I’d be willing to bet you ANY amount of money that the above does not come to pass. Because doing so, betting that Trump wouldn’t take advice from the Daily Stormer, or that Trump wouldn’t give David Duke any position of power, or that Trump wouldn’t throw Jews into camps is, in fact, SO SURE, that it wouldn’t even be gambling for me to make that bet with you.

    You can be better than this. You don’t need to believe the ridiculous stuff above to recognize the obviously bad candidate as an obviously bad candidate. If you feel the only way to realize the inherent flaws of Trump is to invent new flaws… then you really have a problem with basic observation.

  • Good piece, Mr. Ali. You’ve highlighted some extreme versions of trump’s own words, and some not so extreme. At any rate, I don’t think he means 95% of what he says. He just revels in the attention. When his fans respond enthusiastically to what he says, trump says it more.

    While I’m certain he would make a bizarre and disastrous president, I don’t believe a word he says. As your story illustrates, his real plans may be far worse.

  • “Are we not aware that this is a humor piece?”

    “There’s not a lot of exaggeration or hyperbole here.”

    One: Either you believe it is a humorous exaggeration or you believe there’s not a lot of exaggeration here. Pick one. Don’t move the goalposts.

    Two: This is marked with RNS’s “Commentary” not “Satire” tags.

    Three: Humor or not, if you have to resort to hyperbole and exaggeration to criticize TRUMP of all people, you fail at political commentary.

    Trump’s a joke, gift-wrapped and presented for easy mocking. Whether your aim is to joke or to explain why his positions are terrible, if you have to exaggerate his position you suck at what you are trying to do. You shouldn’t need anything other than Trump’s real positions to mock Trump.

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