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SATIRE: Donald Trump’s speech on Islam — LEAKED!

(RNS) "I read the Quran on YouTube. Saw a video. Made by Muhammad, a great Prophet. Really great. He's doing great things."

President Trump pumps his fist and smiles as he addresses the graduating class of the U.S. Coast Guard Academy during commencement ceremonies in New London, Conn., on May 17, 2017. Photo courtesy of Reuters/Kevin Lamarque

President Trump heads later this week to Saudi Arabia, where he will deliver a speech on Islam. Wajahat Ali got the (satirical) scoop … 

(RNS) Ass-slam-aloo-kim. Love being in Saudi Arabia with my boy, Salman here. Really loved Abdullah. Really did. He loved me, too, you know. Saudis always loved me, really. And I love them! We did great business together. Made wonderful buildings and resorts. Not as good as Mar-a-Lago, but we’ll get there. We’ll get there.

You know who else loves me? Muslims. They love me, really. Don’t believe the FAKE NEWS or the LIBERAL MEDIA. Fifteen percent of them voted for the Donald. Because they know I love the Islam. I love the Islam and Islam loves me.

Now, my base hates Islam, and my adviser Steve Bannon wants WW3 with you, but we agree to disagree, am I right? I’m sure some of you don’t like me, either, but trust me, I’m a nice guy. You’ll learn to love me.

Listen, I gotta say, love this four wives thing. I’m only at three … right now. Just kidding. Love Melania. Isn’t she great? She’s great. Wonderful first lady. Your ladies are great, too. Beautiful I’m sure. I just can’t see them.

But I love what they say in Saudi about the “right hand possessions.” I know my right hand could grab a lot. It’s a big hand. Big fingers. Really. Could grab a lot. More than Obama, let me tell you. 3 to 5 million more than Clinton. … Wait, sorry, off topic.

Oh, I forgot, Ramada Inn Mubarak. OK hotels, but GREAT religious tradition. No food for a month. Not even water, right? That’s amazing. That’s discipline. I respect that.

I read the Quran on YouTube. Saw a video. Made by Muhammad, a great Prophet. Really great. He’s doing great things.

You know what I really love? The peaceful Islam he preached. That’s the Islam of Saudi Arabia. We need more of that right now. We all agree there’s a threat. You know it, right? You guys are facing the danger, am I right? Liberals don’t give it a name, but I do. It’s not Islam, it’s RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR. That’s the Islam which I said hates us. That’s bad Islam. Bad Islam hates me, and you, which is why I hate them. Which is totally opposite from Saudi Islam. That’s the good Islam. That’s the Islam Donald Trump loves.

So we’re united in our love of me and our love of peace and our love of killing RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR. Also, we both hate Iran. Hate Iran. Iran is a problem. Am I right? Gotta take care of Iran. Although I love the Shia. Love the Shia! You know Lebanon has the Shia. I’ve done business there. Great businessmen. Great food, and women — even blond women. We’ve made a lot of money together.

And Saudi Arabia and I, we’re gonna obliterate ISIS and we’re gonna make big, shiny, beautiful buildings.

Asthma-laila-kumbaya to all!

(Wajahat Ali is is a New York Times op-ed contributor, recovering attorney and author of the play “The Domestic Crusaders”)