Opinion Satire

SATIRE: Donald Trump’s speech on Islam — LEAKED!

President Trump pumps his fist and smiles as he addresses the graduating class of the U.S. Coast Guard Academy during commencement ceremonies in New London, Conn., on May 17, 2017. Photo courtesy of Reuters/Kevin Lamarque

President Trump heads later this week to Saudi Arabia, where he will deliver a speech on Islam. Wajahat Ali got the (satirical) scoop … 

(RNS) Ass-slam-aloo-kim. Love being in Saudi Arabia with my boy, Salman here. Really loved Abdullah. Really did. He loved me, too, you know. Saudis always loved me, really. And I love them! We did great business together. Made wonderful buildings and resorts. Not as good as Mar-a-Lago, but we’ll get there. We’ll get there.

You know who else loves me? Muslims. They love me, really. Don’t believe the FAKE NEWS or the LIBERAL MEDIA. Fifteen percent of them voted for the Donald. Because they know I love the Islam. I love the Islam and Islam loves me.

Now, my base hates Islam, and my adviser Steve Bannon wants WW3 with you, but we agree to disagree, am I right? I’m sure some of you don’t like me, either, but trust me, I’m a nice guy. You’ll learn to love me.

Listen, I gotta say, love this four wives thing. I’m only at three … right now. Just kidding. Love Melania. Isn’t she great? She’s great. Wonderful first lady. Your ladies are great, too. Beautiful I’m sure. I just can’t see them.

But I love what they say in Saudi about the “right hand possessions.” I know my right hand could grab a lot. It’s a big hand. Big fingers. Really. Could grab a lot. More than Obama, let me tell you. 3 to 5 million more than Clinton. … Wait, sorry, off topic.

Oh, I forgot, Ramada Inn Mubarak. OK hotels, but GREAT religious tradition. No food for a month. Not even water, right? That’s amazing. That’s discipline. I respect that.

I read the Quran on YouTube. Saw a video. Made by Muhammad, a great Prophet. Really great. He’s doing great things.

You know what I really love? The peaceful Islam he preached. That’s the Islam of Saudi Arabia. We need more of that right now. We all agree there’s a threat. You know it, right? You guys are facing the danger, am I right? Liberals don’t give it a name, but I do. It’s not Islam, it’s RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR. That’s the Islam which I said hates us. That’s bad Islam. Bad Islam hates me, and you, which is why I hate them. Which is totally opposite from Saudi Islam. That’s the good Islam. That’s the Islam Donald Trump loves.

So we’re united in our love of me and our love of peace and our love of killing RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR. Also, we both hate Iran. Hate Iran. Iran is a problem. Am I right? Gotta take care of Iran. Although I love the Shia. Love the Shia! You know Lebanon has the Shia. I’ve done business there. Great businessmen. Great food, and women — even blond women. We’ve made a lot of money together.

And Saudi Arabia and I, we’re gonna obliterate ISIS and we’re gonna make big, shiny, beautiful buildings.

Asthma-laila-kumbaya to all!

(Wajahat Ali is is a New York Times op-ed contributor, recovering attorney and author of the play “The Domestic Crusaders”)

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Wajahat Ali

4 Comments

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  • This article is easily a top three entry at the end of year RNS awards banquet.:-)
    Sorry to hear that whole lawyer thing didn’t work out for this writer, but speech writing might could be in his future some day.

  • Beyond satire and back to reality:

    Why no Muslim can be trusted:

    o “Believers, take neither Jews nor Christians for your friends.” (Surah 5:51)
    o
    “Believers, when you encounter the infidels on the march, do not turn your backs to them in flight. If anyone on that day turns his back to them, except it be for tactical reasons…he shall incur the wrath of God and Hell shall be his home…” (Surah 8:12-)

    “Make war on them until idolatry shall cease and God’s religion shall reign supreme.” (Surah 8:36-)

    “…make war on the leaders of unbelief…Make war on them: God will chastise them at your hands and humble them. He will grant you victory over them…” (Surah 9:12-)

    “Fight against such as those to whom the Scriptures were given [Jews and Christians]…until they pay tribute out of hand and are utterly subdued.” (Surah 9:29-)

    “It is He who has sent forth His apostle with guidance and the true Faith [Islam] to make it triumphant over all religions, however much the idolaters [non-Muslims] may dislike it.” (Surah 9:31-)

    “If you do not fight, He will punish you sternly, and replace you by other men.” (Surah 9:37-)

    “Prophet make war on the unbelievers and the hypocrites and deal rigorously with them. Hell shall be their home.” (Surah 9:73)

    “Believers, make war on the infidels who dwell around you. Deal firmly with them.” (Surah 9:121-)

    “Say: ‘Praise be to God who has never begotten a son; who has no partner in His Kingdom…” (Surah 17:111)

    “‘How shall I bear a child,’ she [Mary] answered, ‘when I am a virgin…?’ ‘Such is the will of the Lord,’ he replied. ‘That is no difficult thing for Him…God forbid that He [God[ Himself should beget a son!…Those who say: ‘The Lord of Mercy has begotten a son,’ preach a monstrous falsehood…” (Surah 19:12-, 29-, 88)

    “Fight for the cause of God with the devotion due to Him…He has given you the name of Muslims…” (Surah 22:78-)

    “Blessed are the believers…who restrain their carnal desires (except with their wives and slave-girls, for these are lawful to them)…These are the heirs of Paradise…” (Surah 23:1-5-)

    “Muhammad is God’s apostle. Those who follow him are ruthless to the unbelievers but merciful to one another.” (Surah 48:29)

    “Shall the reward of goodness be anything but good?…Dark-eyed virgins sheltered in their tents…They shall recline on green cushions and fine carpets…Blessed be the name of your Lord…” (Surah 55:52-66-)

    Quran (8:12) – “I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them”

    Quran (9:5) – “So when the sacred months have passed away, then slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captive and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush, then if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, leave their way free to them.”

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