(RNS) — It was August of 2006. I was at the annual World Assembly of Religions for Peace in Kyoto, Japan, on the theme of “Confronting Violence and Advancing Shared Security.” At the closing ceremony, the chief rabbi of Israel spoke about the contemporary suffering of the Jewish community in Israel. Still, in his remarks, he did not recognize the pain of the Muslim and Christian Palestinians. Next up was the chief Palestinian judge — he spoke at length about the anguish and pain of the Muslim community in Palestine but did not touch upon the pain of the Israeli Jews. Why such a lack of empathy for the suffering of the other?

Sitting next to me was the Rev. William Sinkford, the then-president of the Unitarian Universalist Association. I leaned over to him and said that at a conference on “shared security,” it was deeply disappointing to see religious leaders engaged in the “Olympics of suffering” — a competition to prove whose pain is greater — as if compassion was zero sum and only available for the first place winner.

Looking at the devastating developments in Israel and Gaza over the last three weeks, I am again reminded of how dangerous and futile the Olympics of suffering is.

In the current moment, the pain and anguish of many Israelis and the U.S. Jewish community seem to be unbearable. And in this process, they seem to keep quiet about the death and destruction of Palestinians. The same is true for many Palestinians and their lack of public compassion for Israelis.

I recently published an editorial, “Today is My Birthday: Why am I not celebrating?” The article condemned “the recent brutal attacks by Hamas militants on Israeli civilians, including women and children” as having “no moral or ethical excuse in a civilized world. …” It also recognized that “Israel has a right to defend itself — but not at the expense of significant civilian casualties.” The article further pointed out that “the decade-and-a-half apartheid-like containment program implemented by Israeli security forces in the Palestinian Territories has resulted in open-air prisons, blocking food, and control of electricity, leading to disturbing malnutrition and mortality rates — this, too, has no moral or ethical excuse in a civilized world and is deeply condemnable.”

In response, a Jewish leader I have worked with locally for over a decade emailed me a chastising note and accused me of falling into “what about ism,” as I had raised the suffering of the Palestinians in my article along with that of the Israelis. He encouraged me to apologize privately to every leader in the local Jewish community. Further, he cautioned me that if I did not do so, I may have permanently undermined my ability to be in relationship with them “to pursue justice together. …”

The message to me was clear: The pain of my religious community is so immense that I don’t want to hear the pain of the other side in the same breath at this time.

Relatives of people kidnapped by Hamas militants hold the pictures of their loved ones during a protest in Tel Aviv, on Saturday, Oct. 21, 2023. Relatives of people kidnapped by Hamas militants and supporters organise a protest calling for the return of more than 200 hostages held in Gaza for two weeks. (AP Photo/Petros Giannakouris)

On the other side, I attended a prayer vigil on the campus of The Ohio State University for Palestinians killed since Oct. 7. The hourlong prayer service was moving — but no acknowledgment of the pain and suffering of Israelis.

So what is the pathway out of this quagmire of the Olympics of suffering?

In this conflict, the first step is to recognize a few uncomfortable facts. Just as Israeli citizens and Jews cannot be held responsible for the actions of the Israeli security forces, Palestinian citizens and Muslims cannot be held accountable for the actions of Hamas. Furthermore, the brutal acts of Hamas do not represent Palestinians, just as the inhuman acts of the Israeli security forces do not represent Israelis.

Secondly, the Israelis must publicly recognize the pain of Palestinians, and the Palestinians must publicly recognize the pain of the Israelis. Recognition of the pain of the other does not mean you agree with its causes. We need this empathy to recognize that both communities are in pain without arguing over the magnitude of suffering on each side. This is compassion — a fundamental value in every religious tradition in the world.

And lastly, we are only as secure as the least among us.

May we live up to these ideals.

(Dr. Tarunjit Singh Butalia is a U.S. Sikh interfaith activist. The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of Religion News Service.)