Dying to find a gift for a loved one? Here’s an idea

(RNS) Clearly, it’s unpleasant to talk about our own illness and death, yet we are giving our families a priceless gift when we make our wishes known.

Photo by Tyler Olson/Shutterstock

(RNS) On a crisp day in November 2012, a woman I’ll call Ellen became dizzy.

A lawyer, the mother of two toddlers and a happily married, talented flutist, Ellen’s life was rich and full beyond measure.

As the day wore on, Ellen got dizzier and dizzier, so her husband drove her to the hospital. Rounds of tests were inconclusive so she was airlifted to a second and then a third hospital, where her cognitive and physical abilities rapidly deteriorated. There was no effective treatment to stop the madness.


As the weeks and months wore on, the infection that lodged itself in her brainstem led her to a ventilator, a feeding tube, and then little or no brain activity.

The problem was not just that Ellen was so gravely and maddeningly ill; the problem was that she had no advance directive — no road map for the family to follow in case the unimaginable became a reality. So, of course, there were heartbreaking arguments about what to do.

In Ellen’s case, the tubes that sustained her life could no longer keep up, and she died 11 months after feeling dizzy. She was 36.


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While Ellen’s type of brain infection is rare, the fact that she had no advance directive is not. According to Harvard Medical School, only a quarter of us have ADs.

Clearly, it’s unpleasant to talk about our own illness and death, yet we are giving our families a priceless gift when we make our wishes known. (For the record, a lawyer is not needed.) As my friend from Regional Hospice told my college students, “Heck, writing something on a cocktail napkin is better than nothing.

There are plenty of forms online on which a person may choose:

  1. Who will make my medical decisions if I am unable?
  2. Do I want extraordinary measures, like a ventilator and a feeding tube, if I am dying?
  3. Who do I want my stuff to go to?
  4. Who do I want to take over my checkbook and sundry affairs if I am incapable?

At the very least, we need to tell our families what we want, even if we can’t bring ourselves to put it in writing.


When my dad was dying, the hospital hooked him up to a feeding tube and bound his hands to his bed when he tried to remove it.

When my mom and I visited, we were horrified, as we knew that’s not what he wanted, so we drove home, got his advance directive, got him unplugged and moved him to a hospice, where his six children and various grandchildren visited while he received comfort care.

Ironically, the hospice dessert menu was called “Sweet Endings.” Although my dad could no longer enjoy dessert, he had his own sweet ending.

My dad not only filled out his advance directive, he put it in a place where we could quickly find it. Filling out the paperwork and putting it in a safe deposit box just isn’t practical.


RELATED: Congregations spur members to have end-of-life conversations


As for me, I’ve got my AD, my will and my power of attorney in a drawer next to my bed, and my five children grow tired hearing about it.

I’ve also written my obituary, thinking my kids won’t get the details right. Besides, with any luck, they’ll be grieving, and it will be one less thing for them to deal with.


I’m hoping we won’t need my obit for a while, but who knows? Life is short, sometimes dizzying, and totally unpredictable.

What is predictable is that we’re all going to die, and we don’t know how, where or when. But we need to talk about it.

The Conversation Project is an informative source to help us get started. Get together for “Death and Dinner,” “Cosmos and Cremation” or simply bring up the touchy topic at the kitchen table.

It’s not always easy, but communicating about your end-of-life wishes is truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your family and friends.

(MaryAnn Murtha teaches in the Department of Communication and Media Arts at Western Connecticut State University)

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