COMMENTARY: This just in: The `Honey’ syndrome

c. 1996 Religion News Service (Frederica Mathewes-Green is a member of the Eastern Orthodox Church. She is the author of the recent book”Real Choices”and a frequent contributor to Christianity Today and other publications.) (RNS)-One of the tasks of journalism is trend-spotting and, if possible, inflating the wisp of fad or coincidence with enough hot air […]

c. 1996 Religion News Service

(Frederica Mathewes-Green is a member of the Eastern Orthodox Church. She is the author of the recent book”Real Choices”and a frequent contributor to Christianity Today and other publications.)

(RNS)-One of the tasks of journalism is trend-spotting and, if possible, inflating the wisp of fad or coincidence with enough hot air to lift it grandly into the sky.


The competition is fierce, and if you’re going to be the first to spot a trend you must be quick as well as creative. It’s my pleasure, then, to warn that an ominous trend is on the horizon, and as far as I know I’m the first to sight it forming like a distant thundercloud.

Don’t panic, but two of the contenders for the Republican presidential nomination have wives called”Honey.” Now that you’re past the initial shock, I can start hammering away with the hard facts, both of them. Mrs. Lamar Alexander is called”Honey,”and in a recent magazine questionnaire Steve Forbes revealed that he calls his wife”Honey,”too.

I can foresee nothing but ill from this. Sure, these ladies are only the wives of candidates now, but either could be the wife of a president-elect before long. Then we’re in for trouble.

Recall in decades past that the first lady set the fashion standard for all American women. From hamlet to hotspot, women would alter their hemlines to follow hers and make pouty faces in the mirror beneath their favorite hats. But in recent years fashion has exploded in a profusion of unwearable nonsense and costumes suitable only for the runway. Mesmerizing”first ladyism”must manifest itself another way.

You can see what’s coming here. Everywhere you go, Honeys. Within the next couple of months we could be reading photo captions under beaming images: Honey Dole, Honey Buchanan, Honey Clinton. (Yes, I winced there, too.)

And what if Sen. Gramm had not withdrawn? Would Honey Gramm have had an unfair advantage in winning the endorsement of breakfast cereal manufacturers? Might the senator have been swept into high office by people like my mother-in-law, who are tenaciously loyal to the philosophy that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

It’s just a matter of time before the sugary phenomenon spreads across the gender line.”Honey”doesn’t quite fit as a husband’s name, but”Sweetie”might. Sweetie could even be useful, as it sets off in husbands a Pavlovian association with being asked, again, to do something they promised to do last week. Picture the slightly wide-eyed, guilty grin of the guy who knows he’s caught and is ready to promise anything. That’s what we want in a president, right?


Wait a minute, that’s what we’ve got now. It’s not actually working out so well.

Of course, such a fashion trend doesn’t remain confined to politics. One day the marble halls of Congress are crawling with men in dark suits whose business cards read”Sweetie,”and the next every single plumber in the Yellow Pages has the same first name. A professor in a classroom calls on Sweetie, and every male in the room responds. Hospitals are mass-producing the name cards for the end of nursery cribs. Conference calls at major corporations become logistical impossibilities.”Sweetie, do you have the numbers on the Japanese project? No, not you, Sweetie. Honey, straighten him out. The other Honey, I mean.” Of course, the best part about spotting a trend is making money from it. My insider’s tip is to get busy right now lining up a high-priced contract for a”What To Name the Baby”book. Then you can kick back because, hey, you’re on easy street!

How do these trend-spotting pieces end? Cautiously, warily. If I were a TV reporter, I’d be standing in the snow outside a”Hello My Name Is”lapel sticker factory, looking grave.

I’d deliver something like the following: Nobody knows where this will end up. Trends are unpredictable. Experts are divided. It could go one way or the other. Time will tell.

Back to you, Sweetie.

MJP END GREEN

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