c. 2003 Religion News Service

(Judy Gruen’s latest book is “Till We Eat Again: Confessions of a Diet Dropout,” published by Champion Press. Visit her Web site at http://www.judygruen.com.)

(UNDATED) It happened twice in three days.

The first time was last Tuesday, when I stopped with my kids at the bakery. A gentleman ahead of me in line was selecting a cake. Anxiously, he kept asking the store clerk, “Are you sure all these cakes are kosher? I’m taking this to my sister’s house, and if it’s not 100 percent kosher, she’ll throw me out! They’re fanatic!”

Then, a few days later, while waiting for a deli order, another woman in line asked the clerk for a business card to put into the unmarked brown paper sack holding her meats. “This is for my son and daughter-in-law,” she explained, “and there can’t be any question about where it came from. They’re fanatic!”

We label people very selectively. At what point does an avid tennis player become a tennis fanatic? When does health-food consciousness devolve into health-food fanaticism? The remarks I overheard reminded me of the classic joke: What’s the definition of a religious fanatic? Answer: Anyone who is more religious than I am.

Undoubtedly, many issues lie under the surface of the comments I overheard. I doubt that the man in the bakery would really have been thrown out by his sister if he brought a nonkosher cake over the threshold of her home. And if she would have thrown him out, she’s got problems that have nothing to do with keeping kosher.

The more likely possibility is that these seemingly less-observant relatives are just plain uncomfortable with their extended families’ religiosity. I have always been astonished at how respectful my non-Jewish friends and acquaintances have always been regarding my Jewish ritual practices. It is only Jews who feel free to disparage the time-honored commandments _ usually which they know little about.

It’s true: Jewish ritual life is filled with attention to details. We are given instructions in nearly every area of our lives that we consider to be either divinely or rabbinically handed down: how much charity we must give (10 percent), how much wine or grape juice we must drink at the Passover seder, how to perform a ritual hand-washing.

Today, the issue of what constitutes an authentic Jewish conversion in Israel has caused paroxysms of anger on one side, rigid defensiveness on the other. The exactitude that Jews are expected to bring to their ritual lives can, in some cases, lead to a practice where form overtakes substance. Yet that is not the goal.

Usually, attention to detail adds integrity and quality to one’s work. Most people understand that an architect who misses a detail in a blueprint can potentially cause disaster when the house is finally built. Painters who labor for hours or even days to find a color from their palettes that will be exactly right create works that distinguish them as artists, not amateurs. Attention to detail adds integrity and quality to the practice of any art or profession _ including religion.

So yes, keeping kosher (along with other commandments) does involve attention to details, but why does this make Jews who keep kosher “fanatic?” Jewish families that include both ritually observant and less observant members should remember that tolerance _ a prized value in our culture _ needs to go both ways. With kosher food and paper plates so plentiful, it’s a shame for food to lose its potential to serve as an agent of warm family encounters and to cause indigestion instead.

I know dozens of families who have worked hard to achieve rapproachement over religious differences. Respectful and honest dialogue, when the relationships are strong enough to handle them, clears the air and makes both sides feel more secure. Name-calling and nagging, however, only promote divisiveness.

I’ve also seen many cases where a family member’s quiet and modest approach to his own Jewish practice has inspired others in the family to study and take on more Jewish practice, making it their own. And then, the most amazing thing happens: that brother or daughter they used to think was such a “fanatic” suddenly doesn’t seem so fanatic after all.

DEA END GRUEN