Today, many of you are doubtless feeling hung over from the seasonal overindulgence and depressed at the prospect of more presidential debates. I mean, haven’t we had our our fill of the greater and lesser Republican demigods and the Democratic Trinity?
So after Jeb Bush challenged Donald Trump to a mano-a-mano a few days ago, I got to thinking. If only to keep up the ratings, it’s time for American politics to learn the lessons of post-season college football and inter-league major league baseball. Here, then, are my bowl selections for the New Year.
- The Outer Borough Bowl. Bernie v. The Donald. Two populists promise the improbable in Brooklynese and Queensese.
- The Title IX Bowl. Hillary v. Carly. Million dollar babies. And you thought Hillary Swank was tough.
- The Born-Again Bowl. Cruz, Huckabee, Carson, and sometimes Rubio duke it out for the evangelical vote.
- The Ave Maria Bowl. O’Malley, Bush, Christie, Kasich, Santorum, and sometimes Rubio argue over immigrants and refugees, poverty, climate change, Kim Davis, and the contraception mandate.
- The Lipton Bowl. Cruz v. Paul. Who’s the Life of the Tea Party?
- The Port Authority Bowl. Christie and Trump trade insults across the Hudson.
- The After Obama Bowl. Sanders, Carson, Cruz, and Rubio scramble to be the next minority president.
- The Legacy Bowl. Jeb v. Hillary. Why family ties matter. Or don’t.
Now tell me you won’t be watching.
P.S. Let me take this first post of 2016 to wish a happy and healthy year to Larry, Samuel Johnson, Jack, Ben in Oakland, Atheist Max, Glenn Harrell, Doc Anthony, and the other commenters who have chosen to enliven this blog with their piss and vinegar.