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Ramping up the War on Christmas

A secret plan, disclosed.



Now that Chanukah is over (and thanks, Secret Maccabee, for that rare edition of Ben Carson’s Gifted Hands), I can turn my attention to the War on Christmas, which I’m sorry to say is reaching DEFCON 4 threat level. Of course, we can be thankful that 35 Republican Members of Congress have introduced a sense-of-the-House resolution “that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be protected for use by those who celebrate Christmas.” But truthfully, those Congressfolk do not appreciate the magnitude of the “attempts to ban references to Christmas” of which they disapprove.

Recently I procured the latest five-point plan from the Freedom from Christmas Foundation (FFCF) and, believe me, it’s scary reading. Here’s the Executive Summary.

  1. Flower of Evil. While wreaths, holly, yule logs, and decorated trees refer to Christmas, these pagan flora are benign compared to the poinsettias that proliferate like crabgrass this time of year. A native of Mexico, where it is associated with a little girl’s gift to the Baby Jesus, the noxious plant was brought to the U.S. in the 1820s by Joel Roberts Poinsett, our first ambassador to that country. Its flowers symbolize Christ’s blood. Our biological weapons team will disfigure them with a plague of bacterial cankers.
  2. The Puritan Heritage. The Pilgrim fathers loathed Christmas and banned its celebration. In fact, it could be argued that their little Errand Into the Wilderness was all about getting away from the Yuletide celebrations of Merrie Olde England, for which they found no biblical warrant. The FFCF History Division will rewrite our children’s textbooks to expound this important lesson from America’s religious past.
  3. No Room at the Inn. Poor, dispossessed refugees with no place to stay totally remind people of the Manger Event. Walls, anti-immigrant legislation…our congressional lobbying arm will bend every effort to make sure there’s no such reminder.
  4. Project White-Out. Even people in Mobile and L.A. dream of a White Christmas. The way to kill the dream is by undermining those who would stop climate change, especially Christmas apologists like Pope Francis. FFCF Disinformation will keep the U.S. from acting on the recent Paris Agreement — not a difficult task. Within a couple of decades global temperatures will reach two degrees celsius above pre-industrial levels and there won’t even be white Christmases in Greenland.
  5. War on Earth, Ill Will to Men. Anger is on the rise around the world. Bring it on! Our X-Xmas Super PAC will help put a Republican in the White House.

Now you know.

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